A great and loving man once wrote a list about the things he loved about me; the things that inspired him and which he held himself as a mirror for me to see them for myself. And in that mirror not only have I seen them, I see them in their entirety
"I love your honesty"
As new days dawn, I perceive honesty as a different concept to what I have known. It still enscapulates the harsh truth; the realist bite of a sharp wind on a face already moistened by rain. But it is so much more. It is the rain, it is the wind, the face, the ability to feel it all upon one's skin, to know the skin you are in.
Honesty is quiet acceptance of an entirity.
Like a child stepping out of the darkness with a single daisy in one hand outstretch for the taking. The honesty is perceiving not only the child and the endless space of darkness from which she came; but the beauty of her and her flower is its simplistic singularity.
Honesty is more than a chastising voice that tells the little girl that she does not hold a rose. For while it is true the daisy is not a rose, honesty is the ability to see the long slivers of white that protrudes from a sunshine of pollen. Being able to see the fines hairs that soften an otherwise woody stalk; Being able to see the culmination of the small, fine details and be taken aback but the beauty of what it is; not caught by what it is not
For years, and still at times, my glasses would slide down the nose from a sceptical eye and pluck every petal. I would watch them fall, critsing that there were not those of a rose. That they were not perfect in shape, or radiant with colour. That they were not beauty as I perceived it. It was plain; and it was not good enough.
Luckily with age perceptions change. I am the daisy, simple yet beautiful. I am the little girl, holding out myself as I am and unpeturbed by what I am not. It may not be grandiose; it may not fill a room with pundent sweetness, nor cativate the eyes with shades of robust crimson. But what I have is what I give, and what I give is all my love, in its simplistic singularity.
And I honestly couldn't think of anything more beautiful
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Little Things
I am captivated, encapsulated, infactuated by the little things. The saddest things is that for the longest time, I never thought they were enough.
Under the dappled sunshine of an afternoon spent by a mandering stream dotted with ducks, cranes and water fowl, I felt the quite joy of being alive. As I watched a wood duck dive into the water with his little bum acting as a buoy each time his head was submerged, I thought I could watch this for hours. I could watch him, I could watch the crane stalk the muddy banks, I could give love and conversation to an old lady that seemed like she hadn't actually been heard in years. I could do all of this and be satisfied.
In those quite moments, special and solitary, where I engage with the world around me, I get the meaning of life. It's not money, though a little more would make my life easier. It's not personal recognition or achievement; its not your car, your watch, your status, your partner's statuts. It is not any of the things that we bend over backwards and break our necks trying to achieve. It is the little things- like ducks' bums.
You see, I have, like many of my human counterparts, being mentally fogged with the preoccupation of comfort. Consumerist desire to attain more, to do less and in turn disconnect from everyone else except for the materialist avatar I leave in my stead; The avatar I work to feed, cloth, program to dance to make the other avatars clap. All the while missing the little things. The things that lets us connect with another human being, the brief moments were souls interwine and say "hey, you know me"
As I walked home from the stream, I though about these little things and my legacy as a human being. I have such grandiose ambitions, empires built on the backs of other people, towers built of money and ruthless ambition so that I can be financially prosperious and THEN be able to help the people I love. Maybe, just maybe when I look down from the wavering heights of my achievements, I will feel validated; satisfied; worthy of the skin I possess?
On this walk, I looked at the two toned wattle blossoms, and saw their beauty even if their decay and thought "I want to be remembered for the little things". The girl that saw beauty in everything. The girl that smiled at everyone she passes, giving a little of her love to any that are willing to receive it. The girl that said she will be there, and without doubt, always was. The girl that held you, loved you and heard you and asked for nothing in return. The girl that relished the little things and the opportunity to be alive.
I know I will achieve a world of things that will make the materially minded envious. I will scale the professional ladder with an ease and flair that will bring both admiration and resentment. But these are not the things that I want to be remembered by. I want to seen for the beauty of my heart, not of my face. I want to be admired for giving my last dollar to someone who needed it more than making my first million. I want more than what I have ever wanted before, yet it is less than what I have set out of achieve.
All I want is to be remembered as the girl that loved
Under the dappled sunshine of an afternoon spent by a mandering stream dotted with ducks, cranes and water fowl, I felt the quite joy of being alive. As I watched a wood duck dive into the water with his little bum acting as a buoy each time his head was submerged, I thought I could watch this for hours. I could watch him, I could watch the crane stalk the muddy banks, I could give love and conversation to an old lady that seemed like she hadn't actually been heard in years. I could do all of this and be satisfied.
In those quite moments, special and solitary, where I engage with the world around me, I get the meaning of life. It's not money, though a little more would make my life easier. It's not personal recognition or achievement; its not your car, your watch, your status, your partner's statuts. It is not any of the things that we bend over backwards and break our necks trying to achieve. It is the little things- like ducks' bums.
You see, I have, like many of my human counterparts, being mentally fogged with the preoccupation of comfort. Consumerist desire to attain more, to do less and in turn disconnect from everyone else except for the materialist avatar I leave in my stead; The avatar I work to feed, cloth, program to dance to make the other avatars clap. All the while missing the little things. The things that lets us connect with another human being, the brief moments were souls interwine and say "hey, you know me"
As I walked home from the stream, I though about these little things and my legacy as a human being. I have such grandiose ambitions, empires built on the backs of other people, towers built of money and ruthless ambition so that I can be financially prosperious and THEN be able to help the people I love. Maybe, just maybe when I look down from the wavering heights of my achievements, I will feel validated; satisfied; worthy of the skin I possess?
On this walk, I looked at the two toned wattle blossoms, and saw their beauty even if their decay and thought "I want to be remembered for the little things". The girl that saw beauty in everything. The girl that smiled at everyone she passes, giving a little of her love to any that are willing to receive it. The girl that said she will be there, and without doubt, always was. The girl that held you, loved you and heard you and asked for nothing in return. The girl that relished the little things and the opportunity to be alive.
I know I will achieve a world of things that will make the materially minded envious. I will scale the professional ladder with an ease and flair that will bring both admiration and resentment. But these are not the things that I want to be remembered by. I want to seen for the beauty of my heart, not of my face. I want to be admired for giving my last dollar to someone who needed it more than making my first million. I want more than what I have ever wanted before, yet it is less than what I have set out of achieve.
All I want is to be remembered as the girl that loved
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Fight or Flight?
When it is that we develop our instincts to deal with any given suitation? I mean, really, what precise moment in time is it when we programe ourselves to feel; how to react; how to just deal? The bigger question for me know is how do I erase that program and start fresh?
In this changing life when every day is a new world, my honesty with myself is the only stable part of my life. And honestly, I am watching my ship sinking fast. I am adrift in a new world of ideas, emotion, circumstance, and I hate that I cling so desperately to the sinking ships of the past. The world as I know it is dying. This sounds macabre, but it really is beautiful more than anything. The past is shedding from me like skin. I see an ocean of possibilities; of new experience; a chance to be reprogramed. But as I watch the only things I know sink in this ocean, in the midst of its beauty, I am terrified.
I know that I am capable of change; of loving another with wanton abandon and giving that love to myself. But soometimes I think that I push so hard against my resistance that it becomes steadfast rather than allowing slow growth and consequent release. I am trying to live the adventure, be engaged with the journey and I know the wisdom of this path. It stares glaringly at me, as it has the whole time.
But wisdom is easily seen and difficult to enact. There is something holding me back. There is something that I need to let go of or I will sink with all these ships. I feel like I know exactly what this is, but my waking mind cannot describe it. Whatever it is, I know now that I need to face it, look it squarely in the eye and say I know you. There is nothing I can change, There is nothing I need to do. I just need to find acknowledgement so that this great white elephant can finally leave the room.
All I can do is to take the steps that wisdom suggests and let go of my pride. So for once it my life, I will be brave. Not the courage forced by a blind rush into action, though it has been the catalyst for my learning thus far. I will be brave enough to take one step at a time, allow myself to grow rather than pull myself up my the roots. Otherwise, I will run. Always the flight risk, all my mental programs are screaming run, run like you have never run before. But there is something inseide me that anchors me. I just can't run away more. I have to do this, all of it, everything. I have to allow myself to feel
In this changing life when every day is a new world, my honesty with myself is the only stable part of my life. And honestly, I am watching my ship sinking fast. I am adrift in a new world of ideas, emotion, circumstance, and I hate that I cling so desperately to the sinking ships of the past. The world as I know it is dying. This sounds macabre, but it really is beautiful more than anything. The past is shedding from me like skin. I see an ocean of possibilities; of new experience; a chance to be reprogramed. But as I watch the only things I know sink in this ocean, in the midst of its beauty, I am terrified.
I know that I am capable of change; of loving another with wanton abandon and giving that love to myself. But soometimes I think that I push so hard against my resistance that it becomes steadfast rather than allowing slow growth and consequent release. I am trying to live the adventure, be engaged with the journey and I know the wisdom of this path. It stares glaringly at me, as it has the whole time.
But wisdom is easily seen and difficult to enact. There is something holding me back. There is something that I need to let go of or I will sink with all these ships. I feel like I know exactly what this is, but my waking mind cannot describe it. Whatever it is, I know now that I need to face it, look it squarely in the eye and say I know you. There is nothing I can change, There is nothing I need to do. I just need to find acknowledgement so that this great white elephant can finally leave the room.
All I can do is to take the steps that wisdom suggests and let go of my pride. So for once it my life, I will be brave. Not the courage forced by a blind rush into action, though it has been the catalyst for my learning thus far. I will be brave enough to take one step at a time, allow myself to grow rather than pull myself up my the roots. Otherwise, I will run. Always the flight risk, all my mental programs are screaming run, run like you have never run before. But there is something inseide me that anchors me. I just can't run away more. I have to do this, all of it, everything. I have to allow myself to feel
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Just a thought for for the Legal Purist
Call me simple;
Call me naive;
Call me a lawyer in her infancy, closing her eyes and pushing her fingers deep into her ears because she refuses to believe what she sees. But what is happening to this beautiful entity by which lawyers surrender their integrity, their ambition, their will to by right but the world and in its place justice is born? The institution which I have subscribed, the one to which I will willing give myself in the pursuit of a better world, one case at a time?
What I am is an idealist. I believe in the law; as an institution, as a social regulator, as a mother to a world of unruly children that need both guidance and a firm hand. But my heart pales when her virtue is ever so slowly being stripped away as she climbs into bed with politics, media and business. Strategic maneuvers of vendetta on personal and global fronts, Her guiding hand forced into a fists to strike blows of the cowardly vengeful.
Why is it that increasing costs will give a father a right to his son, when the decency to admit to a web of fabricated lies is not enough? When a advocate will allow bitter malice to manipulate the law into a vice around the hearts of those we can no longer control. When did justice and moral decency take a backseat? Will it ever drive again?
Why is it the media and her wanton ways; disloyal, unfaithful, lustful and flippant- turn the heads of many, propel them to do what is just? For them to purge, to recede, to sing, to dance? And the worse that we accept it? That we watch them lay themselves on the mercy of the court, kneel in legal confessional when they have not the heart to support the conviction of their pleas. Purely forced by the torturous media, pinning their arms behind their back until they scream uncle that bring those words to part. The fact that so may of my fellow advocates allow the worship of such a false idol; allows justice to move to the hands of the media tyrant; watches the law and her majesty fade to a shell of historic formality is what brings shadow into my heart
This world is mourning the loss of valour in man; the humanity, the honour, the dignity and divinity to serve the truth. In a debaucherous world where we would rather serve the harlot media, the vengence of man or the mistress of politics than the law in her virtue, I am lost.
For me, The law is our mother, her arms open and whisper these gentle words to those that still have the ability to hear her:
"Come to me. I will do what is right; by you; by the community for which you are the "I". I may be harsh, but I will be fair. I will weight you by the feather of truth and with the guidance of your peers, you shall be judged.
But know this: If you do not resist me, I will be your guiding light. I will show you the purification of contrition and the salvation to do right by your fellow man. I will give you tangible payment so that your soul may purge this injurious assault.
But if you betray me, and to the depths of your deceit, you will be matched by reciprocal fury. Fore in the end all lessons are the same and must be learned. It is you that chooses the path for which you will be lead"
God give me the grace to bring to life these virtues;
To restore the law to her rightful brilliance;
To return faith and confidence in her to the society of which she is their servant
Call me naive;
Call me a lawyer in her infancy, closing her eyes and pushing her fingers deep into her ears because she refuses to believe what she sees. But what is happening to this beautiful entity by which lawyers surrender their integrity, their ambition, their will to by right but the world and in its place justice is born? The institution which I have subscribed, the one to which I will willing give myself in the pursuit of a better world, one case at a time?
What I am is an idealist. I believe in the law; as an institution, as a social regulator, as a mother to a world of unruly children that need both guidance and a firm hand. But my heart pales when her virtue is ever so slowly being stripped away as she climbs into bed with politics, media and business. Strategic maneuvers of vendetta on personal and global fronts, Her guiding hand forced into a fists to strike blows of the cowardly vengeful.
Why is it that increasing costs will give a father a right to his son, when the decency to admit to a web of fabricated lies is not enough? When a advocate will allow bitter malice to manipulate the law into a vice around the hearts of those we can no longer control. When did justice and moral decency take a backseat? Will it ever drive again?
Why is it the media and her wanton ways; disloyal, unfaithful, lustful and flippant- turn the heads of many, propel them to do what is just? For them to purge, to recede, to sing, to dance? And the worse that we accept it? That we watch them lay themselves on the mercy of the court, kneel in legal confessional when they have not the heart to support the conviction of their pleas. Purely forced by the torturous media, pinning their arms behind their back until they scream uncle that bring those words to part. The fact that so may of my fellow advocates allow the worship of such a false idol; allows justice to move to the hands of the media tyrant; watches the law and her majesty fade to a shell of historic formality is what brings shadow into my heart
This world is mourning the loss of valour in man; the humanity, the honour, the dignity and divinity to serve the truth. In a debaucherous world where we would rather serve the harlot media, the vengence of man or the mistress of politics than the law in her virtue, I am lost.
For me, The law is our mother, her arms open and whisper these gentle words to those that still have the ability to hear her:
"Come to me. I will do what is right; by you; by the community for which you are the "I". I may be harsh, but I will be fair. I will weight you by the feather of truth and with the guidance of your peers, you shall be judged.
But know this: If you do not resist me, I will be your guiding light. I will show you the purification of contrition and the salvation to do right by your fellow man. I will give you tangible payment so that your soul may purge this injurious assault.
But if you betray me, and to the depths of your deceit, you will be matched by reciprocal fury. Fore in the end all lessons are the same and must be learned. It is you that chooses the path for which you will be lead"
God give me the grace to bring to life these virtues;
To restore the law to her rightful brilliance;
To return faith and confidence in her to the society of which she is their servant
Saturday, June 12, 2010
The Last Stand
The blog has been an outpouring of my soul and the opportunity to be honest with myself. I was about to apologise to anyone that reads this (i.e. Charity) but I have to stop apologising for myself and how I feel. This is growth and how I feel is validate. Do I want to feel better? Of course I do. Do i feel somewhat soul destroyed at the moment? Yes I do. And is that feeling valid? for the first time I can give myself a big mental hug and say yes, yes it is.
I have spent a long time lying to myself. About who I am, what I feel and what I want to be. The honesty- I just want to be me and I don't know what that is yet. I am in the transition mode, wafting like smoke between what I was and who I will be, grasping at straws and constantly analysing myself trying to identify what and who exactly I am. But more to the point I have been processing my past and I realise that I have been carrying it around on on my back like an over stuffed duffel bag. I know it is important and I need to peel off all the band-aids that have kept me together and covered all the lessons I needed to learn. The band-aids that covered the aching pain I have willing held onto like a security blanket.
So like everyone else on this planet, I got screwed. I had my heart broken in spectacular fashion and I have covered and belittled it for so long. The pain I feel is valid, my need to hold on to it is not. What scared me more than the pain is the paralysing fear of the unknown. I am trembling but I am ready to change. I am changing. I close my eyes and feel myself moving forward, stepping into the darkness of the unknown worlds. I am petrified but I am here. There is a raging panic and vulnerability that shakes me to my core, but I keeping walking.
Step.... by step..... by step
I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I have been uninspired for such a long time, unhappy with where I am at, But I hold on to the past with rigid fear that I prevented myself from been able to change. I feel my fingers slowly realising their grip, shedding hot burning tears and I watch the years fall from me like tissues in the wind. I am not my past, I am not my future. My failures and achievements will never define me. I am ready for the adventure that life is. I am ready to feel excited by the unknown. I am excited by the little bud of hope that is breaking the surface within me. The beginning of new life that fear, the past and my need to be the victim that have repressed for so long.
And now, I open my eyes. I can see; see the habits I fall into because I am afraid to actually feel something new. The feeding of emotions with food, trying the dull the anxiety that I might fail at everything because... just because. And with these open eyes I take those set forward, repair what needs to be repaired, uncover the wealth of emotion that I have forbidden myself to feel, throwing dusting sheets off a heart I put into storage years ago. Dropping the masks, the acts, the preprogrammed dances I performed to show the world what I think they want to see. So they will accept me. With my heart bursting forth from my chest in heaving beats and life's pumps through it once more, I let "them" go. I accept myself. I accept that I am a mystery to myself and what I find in this new life may scare me. But I am excited by the fact that I might actually like what I find. Might actually already be all the things I have always wanted to be. I might believe in myself
Oh fear, oh beauteous fear
I loved you;
I loathed you;
My heart I had bestowed to
New eyes in which to see
The life that was bereft of me
I have feel the depth of your sorrow
I was the bitter sting;
the cold wind
That swept through your shadow
I am naked
Shivering
But I can suckle at your teet no more
Birthing hope-
Undulating joy by chance elope
Fly forth;
An open envelope...
Past spewed forth now fades
Dulled by the light of new days
Shimmers in the distance
It is infancy; pure
A beacon in which my soul will burn
And through the fire reborn
Like Hope I shall rise:
I am rising; I am risen
Unto myself I am forgiven
Unprise my fingers
Fear once choked, now choked no more
Time once stalled
Ticks on with quiet persistence
Stride forward with courageous resistance
I am not the shadow
I am the light
I have spent a long time lying to myself. About who I am, what I feel and what I want to be. The honesty- I just want to be me and I don't know what that is yet. I am in the transition mode, wafting like smoke between what I was and who I will be, grasping at straws and constantly analysing myself trying to identify what and who exactly I am. But more to the point I have been processing my past and I realise that I have been carrying it around on on my back like an over stuffed duffel bag. I know it is important and I need to peel off all the band-aids that have kept me together and covered all the lessons I needed to learn. The band-aids that covered the aching pain I have willing held onto like a security blanket.
So like everyone else on this planet, I got screwed. I had my heart broken in spectacular fashion and I have covered and belittled it for so long. The pain I feel is valid, my need to hold on to it is not. What scared me more than the pain is the paralysing fear of the unknown. I am trembling but I am ready to change. I am changing. I close my eyes and feel myself moving forward, stepping into the darkness of the unknown worlds. I am petrified but I am here. There is a raging panic and vulnerability that shakes me to my core, but I keeping walking.
Step.... by step..... by step
I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I have been uninspired for such a long time, unhappy with where I am at, But I hold on to the past with rigid fear that I prevented myself from been able to change. I feel my fingers slowly realising their grip, shedding hot burning tears and I watch the years fall from me like tissues in the wind. I am not my past, I am not my future. My failures and achievements will never define me. I am ready for the adventure that life is. I am ready to feel excited by the unknown. I am excited by the little bud of hope that is breaking the surface within me. The beginning of new life that fear, the past and my need to be the victim that have repressed for so long.
And now, I open my eyes. I can see; see the habits I fall into because I am afraid to actually feel something new. The feeding of emotions with food, trying the dull the anxiety that I might fail at everything because... just because. And with these open eyes I take those set forward, repair what needs to be repaired, uncover the wealth of emotion that I have forbidden myself to feel, throwing dusting sheets off a heart I put into storage years ago. Dropping the masks, the acts, the preprogrammed dances I performed to show the world what I think they want to see. So they will accept me. With my heart bursting forth from my chest in heaving beats and life's pumps through it once more, I let "them" go. I accept myself. I accept that I am a mystery to myself and what I find in this new life may scare me. But I am excited by the fact that I might actually like what I find. Might actually already be all the things I have always wanted to be. I might believe in myself
Oh fear, oh beauteous fear
I loved you;
I loathed you;
My heart I had bestowed to
New eyes in which to see
The life that was bereft of me
I have feel the depth of your sorrow
I was the bitter sting;
the cold wind
That swept through your shadow
I am naked
Shivering
But I can suckle at your teet no more
Birthing hope-
Undulating joy by chance elope
Fly forth;
An open envelope...
Past spewed forth now fades
Dulled by the light of new days
Shimmers in the distance
It is infancy; pure
A beacon in which my soul will burn
And through the fire reborn
Like Hope I shall rise:
I am rising; I am risen
Unto myself I am forgiven
Unprise my fingers
Fear once choked, now choked no more
Time once stalled
Ticks on with quiet persistence
Stride forward with courageous resistance
I am not the shadow
I am the light
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
So what was the idea of this again?
After a month or two on soul searching and some whinging to boot, I watched Julie and Julia again and realised the whole reason why I started this blog- To to the things I always wanted to do, within sometype of time frame and get my shit togethre generally. And of course to meet Richard Branson. How easily one can lose focus....
Well I am happy to report that I am finally hip hopping my stuff all over the Mad Dance Studio every Saturday and I am loving it to bits! I have started writing THE book and I have been blogging my poerty as a precursor to publication (me hopes). I have also gotten off my butt and started cold calling law firms in the search of THE perfect job. So in lieu of the bitching and moaning I have been doing in the past (which was benefical as I am getting to know myself very well in the absence of alcohol and if I keep it all to myself I would most definately explode) I am back into the swing of things and living the life less ordinary.
I'll be back- Until then, keep out of trouble
Well I am happy to report that I am finally hip hopping my stuff all over the Mad Dance Studio every Saturday and I am loving it to bits! I have started writing THE book and I have been blogging my poerty as a precursor to publication (me hopes). I have also gotten off my butt and started cold calling law firms in the search of THE perfect job. So in lieu of the bitching and moaning I have been doing in the past (which was benefical as I am getting to know myself very well in the absence of alcohol and if I keep it all to myself I would most definately explode) I am back into the swing of things and living the life less ordinary.
I'll be back- Until then, keep out of trouble
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Documentarian goes native
I had a dream... last night, where I was conscious that I was dreaming but it was like I was dreaming it and writing about it at the same time. The prose was better than anything that I have written so far in waking life, probably because I wasn't criticising myself as I wrote. It just let it flow, felt the moment; the emotion; the passion for all things- good ol' plain gusto for privilege of life. Yet I awake again foggy headed and like I am living under a cloud of allergens. What the?
I have come to realise I have reached Stage 7 (is that the number we are up to?) Realisations. Life is becoming clearer for me, the mental and emotional blockades are being revealed to me and I stand before them thinking "Wow, I don't need you anymore". Here are some of the realisations that have cropped up
1. I spent too much time in my head.
The answers to life's questions are simple- really; I shit you not. I just spend that much time in my head documenting and analysing that I come up with very lucid, rational and well thought out explanations for why things are they way they are. Then after all that thinking, rethinking, editing of thoughts and preparation of final submissions, the universe lands me with the cold facts- This is how it is, it is simple, obvious and in your face and you would have seen it if you weren't hiding inside your head. So universe I get the picture- stop spending so much time in my head and look around, spend more time with others and give them the benefit of the doubt. Just because experience has given you a few bad eggs, doesn't mean that everyone you meet has an agenda, or that they are going to let you down in some way or (the biggest fear) break your heart. You are what you think, attract what you think and live the manifestation of your thoughts. See again, simple answer. If it all comes down to thought, change them if they aren't delivering what you really want.
Of course, a small disclaimer. The excavations I have been doing in my psyche have been beneficial and I have been able to learn a lot more about myself. But the key is balance. Balance what you think, what you eat, how you treat people, the world, yourself. It all comes down to balance. And from balance comes harmony and then we are all happy campers.
2. I document life too much and fail to live it
Yes it is an oxymoron in actions a I write to you about writing about life rather than living it. But I see this now. So, without further ado, I will leave you to ponder while I get out there and address in myself what needs to be done, what need to be repaired and what needs to be celebrated through action.
Avior
I have come to realise I have reached Stage 7 (is that the number we are up to?) Realisations. Life is becoming clearer for me, the mental and emotional blockades are being revealed to me and I stand before them thinking "Wow, I don't need you anymore". Here are some of the realisations that have cropped up
1. I spent too much time in my head.
The answers to life's questions are simple- really; I shit you not. I just spend that much time in my head documenting and analysing that I come up with very lucid, rational and well thought out explanations for why things are they way they are. Then after all that thinking, rethinking, editing of thoughts and preparation of final submissions, the universe lands me with the cold facts- This is how it is, it is simple, obvious and in your face and you would have seen it if you weren't hiding inside your head. So universe I get the picture- stop spending so much time in my head and look around, spend more time with others and give them the benefit of the doubt. Just because experience has given you a few bad eggs, doesn't mean that everyone you meet has an agenda, or that they are going to let you down in some way or (the biggest fear) break your heart. You are what you think, attract what you think and live the manifestation of your thoughts. See again, simple answer. If it all comes down to thought, change them if they aren't delivering what you really want.
Of course, a small disclaimer. The excavations I have been doing in my psyche have been beneficial and I have been able to learn a lot more about myself. But the key is balance. Balance what you think, what you eat, how you treat people, the world, yourself. It all comes down to balance. And from balance comes harmony and then we are all happy campers.
2. I document life too much and fail to live it
Yes it is an oxymoron in actions a I write to you about writing about life rather than living it. But I see this now. So, without further ado, I will leave you to ponder while I get out there and address in myself what needs to be done, what need to be repaired and what needs to be celebrated through action.
Avior
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Ending the Punishment
I have been amazed at the vareity of ways that I punish myself. I create money situations so that I feel bad, I am in a job that I am not satisfied in because it makes me feel bad. I even stop myself going from the toilet, telling myself whatever I am doing MUST be finished first when really it can wait. It's like I think I am a naughty little girl and I must be punished. It will do me good, show me some discipline. Well self, here is so news: you are WRONG!!!!!
All it does is makes me feel meek and invalidated and I don't deserve that, I feel sick in the pit of my stomach even addressing this but it has been going on for too long. Just this morning I stressed myself out so bad about getting a new pair of shoes because they broke on the walk into the city. "You can't afford that, those pair are too expensive even if you do like them, you have to go to generic stores because face it, you're generic." I ended up buying cotton wool and bandaids from the reject shop. If that is not screaming "victim" I am not sure what is
I have been saying that I need a new pair of flats and the universe gave me a reason because I don't allow myself much so it has to force situations where I can do what I want without feeling guilty to my inner drill sergent. Yes you, I'm calling you out, I know who you are and I am a adult for christ sake and if I want and need a new pair of shoes I am going to get them so go f*** yourself. Yes you heard me (And all of you are reading me having a moment talking to myself, but sometimes it has to be done)I am taking control right now and you can't bully me anymore. So nah ne nah ne nah nah go find someone else to bother because I am taking control of myself and I am not feeling guilty anymore about being alive.
I am valid, I am worthy and I am kicking arse today just you watch xoxox I WILL NO LONGER PUNISH MYSELF AND I REALISE THE NEED TO DO SO
All it does is makes me feel meek and invalidated and I don't deserve that, I feel sick in the pit of my stomach even addressing this but it has been going on for too long. Just this morning I stressed myself out so bad about getting a new pair of shoes because they broke on the walk into the city. "You can't afford that, those pair are too expensive even if you do like them, you have to go to generic stores because face it, you're generic." I ended up buying cotton wool and bandaids from the reject shop. If that is not screaming "victim" I am not sure what is
I have been saying that I need a new pair of flats and the universe gave me a reason because I don't allow myself much so it has to force situations where I can do what I want without feeling guilty to my inner drill sergent. Yes you, I'm calling you out, I know who you are and I am a adult for christ sake and if I want and need a new pair of shoes I am going to get them so go f*** yourself. Yes you heard me (And all of you are reading me having a moment talking to myself, but sometimes it has to be done)I am taking control right now and you can't bully me anymore. So nah ne nah ne nah nah go find someone else to bother because I am taking control of myself and I am not feeling guilty anymore about being alive.
I am valid, I am worthy and I am kicking arse today just you watch xoxox I WILL NO LONGER PUNISH MYSELF AND I REALISE THE NEED TO DO SO
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Perception Slide
I keep noticing myself in the mirror with surprise going "Hey you look kinda slim there... Hang on that doesn't much the perception of being fat- what's going on?"
Thursday, March 11, 2010
New perceptions
I am finally seeing the abundance of the universe and that I need to just ask for the things I want and need and follow the things that make me happy. Simple
Monday, March 8, 2010
Allergic emotions
As I progress through my personal journey through the plethora of my emotions, I have started to notice to physical manifestations of repressed issues.
I suffer hay fever only when I at home and generally when my mother is there. I also have an uncontrollable need to binge on sugar and lapse back into smoking. I end up feeling lethargic and toxified. I have not yet delved into the precise nature and causes relative to my mother, but I know that I am hiding (mind travelled to rejection or even resentment)from something and use all the arsenal at my disposal there to avoid confrontation. In the end I need to sleep and retreat to my sanctum in the house, my old room
The walls are no longer blue, but they used to be and there is still the feeling of burden and depression. I feel safe there, but I also feel trapped as I am locked inside to be safe from the outside. I wake feeling drained rather than refreshed. There are too many mirrors and I have a hard time looking at myself in a positive way.
Maybe my issues with my weight and overeating generally come from compensation of fearing my mother and her sometime harsh attitudes as to what I should look like. It is like rebellion and insecure comfort seeking all at the same time. I feel that all of these activities are draining and I feel like I lose all track of time. I feel burdened. There is something that needs to be address so that the burden can be lifted. What am I withholding from my mother? Anger and resentment spring to mind but they are so deep seeded that I strain to feel the emotional attached to such thoughts. There are issue of abandonment and even hate but these seems like mental concepts that my body has long blocked the physical response to, lest it "jump my memory" What have I forgotten? If I remember will it set me free?
In my struggle to be aloof and guarded I surrender all of my energy
I suffer hay fever only when I at home and generally when my mother is there. I also have an uncontrollable need to binge on sugar and lapse back into smoking. I end up feeling lethargic and toxified. I have not yet delved into the precise nature and causes relative to my mother, but I know that I am hiding (mind travelled to rejection or even resentment)from something and use all the arsenal at my disposal there to avoid confrontation. In the end I need to sleep and retreat to my sanctum in the house, my old room
The walls are no longer blue, but they used to be and there is still the feeling of burden and depression. I feel safe there, but I also feel trapped as I am locked inside to be safe from the outside. I wake feeling drained rather than refreshed. There are too many mirrors and I have a hard time looking at myself in a positive way.
Maybe my issues with my weight and overeating generally come from compensation of fearing my mother and her sometime harsh attitudes as to what I should look like. It is like rebellion and insecure comfort seeking all at the same time. I feel that all of these activities are draining and I feel like I lose all track of time. I feel burdened. There is something that needs to be address so that the burden can be lifted. What am I withholding from my mother? Anger and resentment spring to mind but they are so deep seeded that I strain to feel the emotional attached to such thoughts. There are issue of abandonment and even hate but these seems like mental concepts that my body has long blocked the physical response to, lest it "jump my memory" What have I forgotten? If I remember will it set me free?
In my struggle to be aloof and guarded I surrender all of my energy
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Gonna be a bright, sunshining day
Well it is nice to be able to report that after the sluggishness that comes from soul excavation, there is periods of lightness and hope that come also. I spent a lot of time over the past few days digging into reasons why I do the things I do. One issue in particular was over eating. The key realisation, in addition to deeper issues that I need to address and let go, is that it is defence mechanism to keep men away. After Luke, I promised myself that no-one would hurt me like that again. No-one would blindside me and I would not be blinded by love. Further I felt that it had to be something wrong with me that made someone do something so hurtful. So in my body's innate capabilities to protect me from harm, it put on a couple of extra kilos and said "There, there- there is nothing wrong with you as a person, You are just Fat and no one loves a fat person."
Over eating has been a huge defence and punishment mechanism in my life and I am only starting to recognise how deep it all goes. But the light at the end of the tunnel is that, I am not FAT as much as I am trying to protect myself from adding "padding". The question is not how do I lose weight, but what do I need to protect myself from and do I really need protecting anymore?
Over eating has been a huge defence and punishment mechanism in my life and I am only starting to recognise how deep it all goes. But the light at the end of the tunnel is that, I am not FAT as much as I am trying to protect myself from adding "padding". The question is not how do I lose weight, but what do I need to protect myself from and do I really need protecting anymore?
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Dancing with Insanity
So this has been my public platform of disclsoure where I have beared the emerging piece of my soul. Why you might ask? Why exactly does someone bear their inner fears on the internet. Because I am insane, jsut in case you haven't notice
This detoxification period has been a mass exodus of personal insight coming thick and fast. I am understanding and recognising things so fast so more is thrown at me. More and more and more. I want ed all of this so keep in coming. The more I learn about myself the better life has got to be... right?
I have been surrounded by high school students today which is a big arrow pointing to the begining of my passage of identity. I looked at them originally thinking, none of us know who you are- you do things to fit in, you say things because they are what you think you should say, you act/don't act more that a passive message might scream its intention without having to say it. It says it. It's obvious and so are your motives. Then the deflating thought it "get off your high horse Tahnee, you are still doing all of these things. Stop Posing"
This detoxification period has been a mass exodus of personal insight coming thick and fast. I am understanding and recognising things so fast so more is thrown at me. More and more and more. I want ed all of this so keep in coming. The more I learn about myself the better life has got to be... right?
I have been surrounded by high school students today which is a big arrow pointing to the begining of my passage of identity. I looked at them originally thinking, none of us know who you are- you do things to fit in, you say things because they are what you think you should say, you act/don't act more that a passive message might scream its intention without having to say it. It says it. It's obvious and so are your motives. Then the deflating thought it "get off your high horse Tahnee, you are still doing all of these things. Stop Posing"
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Glimmers of Hope
There has been a lot that I have been going through lately, including a nightmarish nights sleep last night where I was introduced to all the differeing parts of my personality, past and present and the matching male for that personality. It was painful to be in the same "room" with most of those "people", most of males made my stomach turn and I had a fitful sleep to say the least.
All that aside, I feel hope. I know that around the corner there is an abundant life, adjusted and balanced and I will be a deserving receipent. Also by the end of it I will know myself, which I feel proud to achieve at such a young age. I am proud of my courage and will persevere through this emotional detox. This glimmer of hope saves me, I feel like everything will be okay, I will be okay. I will be more than okay, I will finally be at peace
All that aside, I feel hope. I know that around the corner there is an abundant life, adjusted and balanced and I will be a deserving receipent. Also by the end of it I will know myself, which I feel proud to achieve at such a young age. I am proud of my courage and will persevere through this emotional detox. This glimmer of hope saves me, I feel like everything will be okay, I will be okay. I will be more than okay, I will finally be at peace
Monday, February 22, 2010
United States Of Tahnee
I think that we are all crazy. We create multiple personalities to be able to cope with everything life throws at us. I am not sure how many of us are honest about how many we have or accept the validity or purpose for which they were created. I am starting to get a headache just talking about this, and since I am starting to recognise these as a defence mechanism to stop thinking about the things that cause pain, stress or any ill feeling, I know I must be on the right track
I am petrified of uncovering all the personalities I have or have been. More so I am scared shitless of the reasons they are here to protect me. My throat is tight and frightened tears are threatening to make an appearance. But in the commitment to myself of transition, I will push ahead, whether I cry in the public library or not.
So we have all meet my version of Alice, you know her, the philosophically happy tea totaling woman looking into the wilderness. The "Hello Poppets" variety of woman in a permanent state of delusion (Wow it kinda hurts being honest with oneself). Well she is the keeper of keys so to speak and the mothering yet blind personality that shields my eyes from the darker side of myself and reality in general. I know that I will transition to something like her, seeing the best in people and wanting to nurture and love, but there will be a big dose of reality checking and honest self appraisal.
So I ask myself- what is her purpose? Why is she here? She is a manifestation of my personal studies into universal consciousness, my answer to the law of attraction. If I think in a certain way, I will create certain things. She is the persona that always keeps one face for the world and a firm hand on keeping the fear inside. I have never let myself show weakness, and being afraid is the pinnacle of weak. Her trusty sidekick, Aloof Joe (which I will examine in later blogs) solidifies the game face but not giving an inch, refusing to give any information and giving the appearance that everything has been taken in her/his massive stride. Then there is Lollipop Annie, which talks so must shit at a lighting but bubbly pace that no one can get a word in to challenge the game face. If you listen closely to the gabble, you will notice that she is never giving any information. She was created because when I was younger my mother used to solicit information from me as a friend, or confidante and then use it against me in later fights. I was devastated every time. I felt betrayed and hardened up and refused to let anyone inside so that they could use myself against me. So in a lonely place like the shut up soul, multiple personalities distract from the emptiness, the silence
My mother now is one of my best friends and has evolved much in the way that I have been. But it is dealing with the hurts in the past, not blaming anyone but acknowledging that they happened and the pain suffered, that I will be set free
In my next blog we'll talk about Dr Matt, kinetics and the sheer terror I felt when I found out that the body responds to truth and lies and knows the difference- what am i going to learn about myself and the constructs that I have created?
I am petrified of uncovering all the personalities I have or have been. More so I am scared shitless of the reasons they are here to protect me. My throat is tight and frightened tears are threatening to make an appearance. But in the commitment to myself of transition, I will push ahead, whether I cry in the public library or not.
So we have all meet my version of Alice, you know her, the philosophically happy tea totaling woman looking into the wilderness. The "Hello Poppets" variety of woman in a permanent state of delusion (Wow it kinda hurts being honest with oneself). Well she is the keeper of keys so to speak and the mothering yet blind personality that shields my eyes from the darker side of myself and reality in general. I know that I will transition to something like her, seeing the best in people and wanting to nurture and love, but there will be a big dose of reality checking and honest self appraisal.
So I ask myself- what is her purpose? Why is she here? She is a manifestation of my personal studies into universal consciousness, my answer to the law of attraction. If I think in a certain way, I will create certain things. She is the persona that always keeps one face for the world and a firm hand on keeping the fear inside. I have never let myself show weakness, and being afraid is the pinnacle of weak. Her trusty sidekick, Aloof Joe (which I will examine in later blogs) solidifies the game face but not giving an inch, refusing to give any information and giving the appearance that everything has been taken in her/his massive stride. Then there is Lollipop Annie, which talks so must shit at a lighting but bubbly pace that no one can get a word in to challenge the game face. If you listen closely to the gabble, you will notice that she is never giving any information. She was created because when I was younger my mother used to solicit information from me as a friend, or confidante and then use it against me in later fights. I was devastated every time. I felt betrayed and hardened up and refused to let anyone inside so that they could use myself against me. So in a lonely place like the shut up soul, multiple personalities distract from the emptiness, the silence
My mother now is one of my best friends and has evolved much in the way that I have been. But it is dealing with the hurts in the past, not blaming anyone but acknowledging that they happened and the pain suffered, that I will be set free
In my next blog we'll talk about Dr Matt, kinetics and the sheer terror I felt when I found out that the body responds to truth and lies and knows the difference- what am i going to learn about myself and the constructs that I have created?
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Feeling the Burn
Well apologies as usual since it has been to long between posts, as I am getting better at time management I am making more time for the things that keep me sane, so you will be seeing me more often- No more excuses!
So it has been nearly two months into my sobriety challenge and there have new improvements which is all honesty scare the hell out of me. I have had the opportunity to get to know myself a whole lot better and whilst it isn't always rainbows and lollipops, its gotta be better than denial (I hope!)
So far there has been a number of stages that I have gone through with this challenge and the more I strip away, the more I find I used so many props to hide behind and constantly depriving myself of genuine expression. I know I have no issue with candour, but I am not always the positive bottle of pep pills that I show to the world. A lot of the time the charade gives me headaches but I have been doing it so long that I find it hard to be real. So here it goes
I was not happy with the way I was living my life and a lot of the things that made me who I thought I was. And I hated the bullshit strong face that I showed to make sure that I receive not pity. It also meant I got no help. I haven't got it figured out, my life is not complete and all the concessions and silver linings I find don't change that fact. Those concessions were a reason not to change, to stagnate and find some consolation that there was some positive in the mediocrity I have been living. There are some a changes happening and there are more to be made, but the biggest promise I am going to keep for myself this year is honesty. It's time for real expression so when I feel happiness I can enjoy it rather than fake it to shut people out.
The next stage in my transformation is: Anger
I have never allowed myself to be angry, let alone express it. And when I ever did I apologised profusely for such unbecoming behaviour. I AM ALLOWED TO BE ANGRY! There is shit in this world that isn't fair and gets under your skin and I am sick of shoving it down inside so it keeps building inside my heart. One day I am going to explode and it is going to be the people I care about most that are going to cop it. I realise now that all areas of my insobriety were sedation, distractions from the anger I have inside me about the various wrongs I have endured in my life. I have always refused to give validation to any feelings of anger lest they steer me from the path of happiness. But I realise now that I can't find true peace until I acknowledge and love every part of who I am, I am allowed to feel hurt, betrayed, annoyed, pissed out, vengeful- all of those things because I know deep down inside those emotions are not who I am.
I am a positive person, I am all about the love and nurturing and I am freaking amazing; But for God's sake there are somethings I need to let out. From the pain from Luke, the un-returned Love for Kirk, the roller coaster that is my brother- It is time I screamed from the rooftop that all that shit isn't and wasn't right. I have seen it all from your perspectives and they are valid. But the pain I have felt is valid to. I need to finally acknowledge the validity of my own pain so that I can finally let all of it good and love them all like I know I want to be able to. So I am not going to cope all the injustices on the chin, I am going to stand up for myself NOW I don't know what I am going to be, but I know it is going to be better. Welcome Tahnee 3.0
So it has been nearly two months into my sobriety challenge and there have new improvements which is all honesty scare the hell out of me. I have had the opportunity to get to know myself a whole lot better and whilst it isn't always rainbows and lollipops, its gotta be better than denial (I hope!)
So far there has been a number of stages that I have gone through with this challenge and the more I strip away, the more I find I used so many props to hide behind and constantly depriving myself of genuine expression. I know I have no issue with candour, but I am not always the positive bottle of pep pills that I show to the world. A lot of the time the charade gives me headaches but I have been doing it so long that I find it hard to be real. So here it goes
I was not happy with the way I was living my life and a lot of the things that made me who I thought I was. And I hated the bullshit strong face that I showed to make sure that I receive not pity. It also meant I got no help. I haven't got it figured out, my life is not complete and all the concessions and silver linings I find don't change that fact. Those concessions were a reason not to change, to stagnate and find some consolation that there was some positive in the mediocrity I have been living. There are some a changes happening and there are more to be made, but the biggest promise I am going to keep for myself this year is honesty. It's time for real expression so when I feel happiness I can enjoy it rather than fake it to shut people out.
The next stage in my transformation is: Anger
I have never allowed myself to be angry, let alone express it. And when I ever did I apologised profusely for such unbecoming behaviour. I AM ALLOWED TO BE ANGRY! There is shit in this world that isn't fair and gets under your skin and I am sick of shoving it down inside so it keeps building inside my heart. One day I am going to explode and it is going to be the people I care about most that are going to cop it. I realise now that all areas of my insobriety were sedation, distractions from the anger I have inside me about the various wrongs I have endured in my life. I have always refused to give validation to any feelings of anger lest they steer me from the path of happiness. But I realise now that I can't find true peace until I acknowledge and love every part of who I am, I am allowed to feel hurt, betrayed, annoyed, pissed out, vengeful- all of those things because I know deep down inside those emotions are not who I am.
I am a positive person, I am all about the love and nurturing and I am freaking amazing; But for God's sake there are somethings I need to let out. From the pain from Luke, the un-returned Love for Kirk, the roller coaster that is my brother- It is time I screamed from the rooftop that all that shit isn't and wasn't right. I have seen it all from your perspectives and they are valid. But the pain I have felt is valid to. I need to finally acknowledge the validity of my own pain so that I can finally let all of it good and love them all like I know I want to be able to. So I am not going to cope all the injustices on the chin, I am going to stand up for myself NOW I don't know what I am going to be, but I know it is going to be better. Welcome Tahnee 3.0
Thursday, February 4, 2010
List Update
Hello there ferrets, it has been far too long between blogs and for this I apologise. It is now time to update you on the progress on the list to date.
1. As you know, I have given up alcohol for a year to raise money for Life Education Australia- and I have done 1 month already!!!! Yay me. So far have $290 pledged
2. I have been on the reading trail but admit I have hit a wall when it comes to ease of reading. I recently tried to read the Book of revealations and I really have no more than a faint idea as to what it is all about. Apparently the meaning to the Bible in general is not literal at all, but in the subtext. I am having trouble getting the literal at this point. But solider on I shall. I also picked up the B. Gita today from the Library, lets hope I have better luck with that!
3. The hair has been cut off and I have stopped biting my nails
4. So I think I can dance? Well soon I will be able to- start dancing at Mad Dance House in the city doing Hip Hop and Latin. God help me!
5. Moving out of home. Not an official list accomplishment, but come on- I am 27 and though I have been out in the world before, it is really time to fly the coup once more.
6. Raised more money for the kids in Cambodia-booya!
There is probably more to tell but after 3 hours of training this morning and another day of applications to find that perfect job I am spent. Talk to y'all soon xoxox
1. As you know, I have given up alcohol for a year to raise money for Life Education Australia- and I have done 1 month already!!!! Yay me. So far have $290 pledged
2. I have been on the reading trail but admit I have hit a wall when it comes to ease of reading. I recently tried to read the Book of revealations and I really have no more than a faint idea as to what it is all about. Apparently the meaning to the Bible in general is not literal at all, but in the subtext. I am having trouble getting the literal at this point. But solider on I shall. I also picked up the B. Gita today from the Library, lets hope I have better luck with that!
3. The hair has been cut off and I have stopped biting my nails
4. So I think I can dance? Well soon I will be able to- start dancing at Mad Dance House in the city doing Hip Hop and Latin. God help me!
5. Moving out of home. Not an official list accomplishment, but come on- I am 27 and though I have been out in the world before, it is really time to fly the coup once more.
6. Raised more money for the kids in Cambodia-booya!
There is probably more to tell but after 3 hours of training this morning and another day of applications to find that perfect job I am spent. Talk to y'all soon xoxox
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Australia Day Sobriety
Hello and Happy Australia Day Bloggites! I know that I am a day early on the salutations, but if I was blogging on a public Holiday it would just be unaustralian.
So I am sure you are wondering how the whole sobriety challenge is going. I am happy to report that it is going well- not one little drop of alcohol has passed these lips in 25 days- yay me :) I think I am up to stage 4 of the yet undetermined number of stages through this challenge. What is stage number 4 you ask. Well I think it might be useful to go through the first few so we all know we are standing.
Stage One: Sleep Deprivation
This may not be the case for every person who decides to ditch the bottle, but for a good 2 weeks my quality of sleep was shocking. I didn't realise that on most, if not every night, I wen to sleep with a bit of a wobble on. So getting to sleep without a wink of assistance was a little trying. But as you guessed it- I prevailed. Nearing the end of the second week I was exercising my heart out, trying to keep days jam packed so at the end of the day I would pass out from exhaustion. I am SUPER happy to say that this stage has passed and I am sleeping like a baby.
Stage Two: Sugar Craving
I have been assured that this one happens to every reformed drinker- The sugar cravings. I bet whilst you where getting tipsy that you didn't know you were ingesting a whole lot of sugar. Yes- especially in beer. Wine is not so bad, but carbs are similar, if not sugar and there are loads of carbs in Wine...
So I went a little baking crazy, starting with lemon butter- an orgasmic infusion of lemon, egg and sugar slowly cooked over a double boiler until it becomes heaven in liquid form. Then there was the ice creams- Banana, Coconut... I managed to refrained myself from baking cookies otherwise I would be the size of a house right now. And my dear friend Chocolate, I know I abused you for a week there, but I have a healthy respect for you once again I promise. To top it off I have watched that much Nigella Lawson that I have been eating sugar vicariously through her. Sugar Cracvings and all, there is still somethings I won't do- Like eating butterscotch sauce by the tablespoon in the middle of the night (or at anytime mind you) Thank you Nigella for sacrificing your arse for mine. I am happy again to say that the sugar cravings have passed and my diet back on the healthy track.
Stage 3: My good I am 17 again- but worse!
Hello pimples! Of course this stage does have something to do with all the ingested sugar over the prior weeks, but it is also a case of the old body going "Hang on a minute... its been a good 2-3 weeks since tahnee has injected toxins into me- EVACUATE TOXINS NOW BEFORE SHE CHANGES HER MIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I am currently sponsored by Natio, Neutragena and the saltwater at Currumbin Alley. Unfortunately I cannot report that this stage has passed, but it has reduced in severity (Thank god! I only have so much fringe to cover my forehead)
And Welcome to the Now.
Stage 4:Emotional Evacuation
This might not be what everyone goes through and it isn't like I avoiding the TV in case a Hallmark moment comes on. But after I stopped trying to distract myself with alcohol and then sugar, the silence that comes after the cessation of distraction is brief. It seems the mind and soul have got the message that the body sent out to my face "Oh, looks like it spring cleaning time. Lets get rid of some of that baggage we have been carrying around shall we?" So I have had the pleasure of recounting some of the more painful and embarrassing events of my life. Though pleasure really isn't the correct word to describe this phase, I know that it is good for me. I am just waiting to feel like it is good for me. But slowly but surely I have been able to let go, piece by piece, like dropping sheets of paper into the wind. I am guessing I have a manuscript of papers to go, but at least I have started.
But on all accounts this is going really well and with all these stages I haven't had a chance to even thinking about alcohol. For the record, I am still my happy positive self, just with a few private moments that's all :)
So happy Australia and I'll raise my Bundy Ginger Beer with you all in toast to this great nation. See you at the Beach xoxox
So I am sure you are wondering how the whole sobriety challenge is going. I am happy to report that it is going well- not one little drop of alcohol has passed these lips in 25 days- yay me :) I think I am up to stage 4 of the yet undetermined number of stages through this challenge. What is stage number 4 you ask. Well I think it might be useful to go through the first few so we all know we are standing.
Stage One: Sleep Deprivation
This may not be the case for every person who decides to ditch the bottle, but for a good 2 weeks my quality of sleep was shocking. I didn't realise that on most, if not every night, I wen to sleep with a bit of a wobble on. So getting to sleep without a wink of assistance was a little trying. But as you guessed it- I prevailed. Nearing the end of the second week I was exercising my heart out, trying to keep days jam packed so at the end of the day I would pass out from exhaustion. I am SUPER happy to say that this stage has passed and I am sleeping like a baby.
Stage Two: Sugar Craving
I have been assured that this one happens to every reformed drinker- The sugar cravings. I bet whilst you where getting tipsy that you didn't know you were ingesting a whole lot of sugar. Yes- especially in beer. Wine is not so bad, but carbs are similar, if not sugar and there are loads of carbs in Wine...
So I went a little baking crazy, starting with lemon butter- an orgasmic infusion of lemon, egg and sugar slowly cooked over a double boiler until it becomes heaven in liquid form. Then there was the ice creams- Banana, Coconut... I managed to refrained myself from baking cookies otherwise I would be the size of a house right now. And my dear friend Chocolate, I know I abused you for a week there, but I have a healthy respect for you once again I promise. To top it off I have watched that much Nigella Lawson that I have been eating sugar vicariously through her. Sugar Cracvings and all, there is still somethings I won't do- Like eating butterscotch sauce by the tablespoon in the middle of the night (or at anytime mind you) Thank you Nigella for sacrificing your arse for mine. I am happy again to say that the sugar cravings have passed and my diet back on the healthy track.
Stage 3: My good I am 17 again- but worse!
Hello pimples! Of course this stage does have something to do with all the ingested sugar over the prior weeks, but it is also a case of the old body going "Hang on a minute... its been a good 2-3 weeks since tahnee has injected toxins into me- EVACUATE TOXINS NOW BEFORE SHE CHANGES HER MIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I am currently sponsored by Natio, Neutragena and the saltwater at Currumbin Alley. Unfortunately I cannot report that this stage has passed, but it has reduced in severity (Thank god! I only have so much fringe to cover my forehead)
And Welcome to the Now.
Stage 4:Emotional Evacuation
This might not be what everyone goes through and it isn't like I avoiding the TV in case a Hallmark moment comes on. But after I stopped trying to distract myself with alcohol and then sugar, the silence that comes after the cessation of distraction is brief. It seems the mind and soul have got the message that the body sent out to my face "Oh, looks like it spring cleaning time. Lets get rid of some of that baggage we have been carrying around shall we?" So I have had the pleasure of recounting some of the more painful and embarrassing events of my life. Though pleasure really isn't the correct word to describe this phase, I know that it is good for me. I am just waiting to feel like it is good for me. But slowly but surely I have been able to let go, piece by piece, like dropping sheets of paper into the wind. I am guessing I have a manuscript of papers to go, but at least I have started.
But on all accounts this is going really well and with all these stages I haven't had a chance to even thinking about alcohol. For the record, I am still my happy positive self, just with a few private moments that's all :)
So happy Australia and I'll raise my Bundy Ginger Beer with you all in toast to this great nation. See you at the Beach xoxox
Monday, January 11, 2010
Off and racing into the New Year
Hello again my poppets. I am sorry that I haven't been blogging my heart out as usual. It is already 12 days into the new year and the days have been flying along! You will be happy to hear that my lack of blog-worthy text is not due to inaction or procrastination. I have genuinely been busy tackling this new year and all the goals I have set for myself. Take today for example. I was up just after 5am and went for 3km or so walk along the beach with my mother. Then back home and into the Wii Fit Plus for some yoga, strength training and a bit of a laugh. Then I grabbed my surfboard and headed out to the Currumbin Estuary where I am keenly practicing my paddling skills so I don't drown or pass out from exhaustion when I finally hit the waves this weekend. Now I am here with you, and keeping on top of my "quit for a cause" campaigning and a brief saunter into the job market to find the job of my dreams. Then off to the Chiropractor at 11pm, work from 12-3.30, then jog till 4.00, swimming with max till 5pm and then back to work till 9.30. So as you can imagine my ceramic teapot is having a restful break as I give the old coffee machine a good workout.
So now I must admit most of my blogs this year will be short and sweet as I briefly flutter here and tell you of my little daily miracles and jog off to that big wide world. I am getting closer to all my goals step by step and I will let you know how it all goes. Until then, let a smile grace your face xoxoxo
So now I must admit most of my blogs this year will be short and sweet as I briefly flutter here and tell you of my little daily miracles and jog off to that big wide world. I am getting closer to all my goals step by step and I will let you know how it all goes. Until then, let a smile grace your face xoxoxo
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Please help make a difference
Dear friends,
Please check out my fundraising page: http://gotaf.socialtwist.com/redirect?l=720166342616002662321
I'm trying to make a difference for a great cause that is close to my heart.
I have created a fundraising page through GoFundraise to help support this cause and raise some much needed funds.
I would greatly appreciate your support by making a donation to through my web page. You can also leave personal messages and get involved yourself.
Together we can make a difference.
Thank you for your help!
http://gotaf.socialtwist.com/redirect?l=720166342616002662321
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