Ending the Punishment

I have been amazed at the vareity of ways that I punish myself. I create money situations so that I feel bad, I am in a job that I am not satisfied in because it makes me feel bad. I even stop myself going from the toilet, telling myself whatever I am doing MUST be finished first when really it can wait. It's like I think I am a naughty little girl and I must be punished. It will do me good, show me some discipline. Well self, here is so news: you are WRONG!!!!!

All it does is makes me feel meek and invalidated and I don't deserve that, I feel sick in the pit of my stomach even addressing this but it has been going on for too long. Just this morning I stressed myself out so bad about getting a new pair of shoes because they broke on the walk into the city. "You can't afford that, those pair are too expensive even if you do like them, you have to go to generic stores because face it, you're generic." I ended up buying cotton wool and bandaids from the reject shop. If that is not screaming "victim" I am not sure what is

I have been saying that I need a new pair of flats and the universe gave me a reason because I don't allow myself much so it has to force situations where I can do what I want without feeling guilty to my inner drill sergent. Yes you, I'm calling you out, I know who you are and I am a adult for christ sake and if I want and need a new pair of shoes I am going to get them so go f*** yourself. Yes you heard me (And all of you are reading me having a moment talking to myself, but sometimes it has to be done)I am taking control right now and you can't bully me anymore. So nah ne nah ne nah nah go find someone else to bother because I am taking control of myself and I am not feeling guilty anymore about being alive.

I am valid, I am worthy and I am kicking arse today just you watch xoxox I WILL NO LONGER PUNISH MYSELF AND I REALISE THE NEED TO DO SO