Well it is nice to be able to report that after the sluggishness that comes from soul excavation, there is periods of lightness and hope that come also. I spent a lot of time over the past few days digging into reasons why I do the things I do. One issue in particular was over eating. The key realisation, in addition to deeper issues that I need to address and let go, is that it is defence mechanism to keep men away. After Luke, I promised myself that no-one would hurt me like that again. No-one would blindside me and I would not be blinded by love. Further I felt that it had to be something wrong with me that made someone do something so hurtful. So in my body's innate capabilities to protect me from harm, it put on a couple of extra kilos and said "There, there- there is nothing wrong with you as a person, You are just Fat and no one loves a fat person."
Over eating has been a huge defence and punishment mechanism in my life and I am only starting to recognise how deep it all goes. But the light at the end of the tunnel is that, I am not FAT as much as I am trying to protect myself from adding "padding". The question is not how do I lose weight, but what do I need to protect myself from and do I really need protecting anymore?
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