Allergic emotions

As I progress through my personal journey through the plethora of my emotions, I have started to notice to physical manifestations of repressed issues.

I suffer hay fever only when I at home and generally when my mother is there. I also have an uncontrollable need to binge on sugar and lapse back into smoking. I end up feeling lethargic and toxified. I have not yet delved into the precise nature and causes relative to my mother, but I know that I am hiding (mind travelled to rejection or even resentment)from something and use all the arsenal at my disposal there to avoid confrontation. In the end I need to sleep and retreat to my sanctum in the house, my old room

The walls are no longer blue, but they used to be and there is still the feeling of burden and depression. I feel safe there, but I also feel trapped as I am locked inside to be safe from the outside. I wake feeling drained rather than refreshed. There are too many mirrors and I have a hard time looking at myself in a positive way.

Maybe my issues with my weight and overeating generally come from compensation of fearing my mother and her sometime harsh attitudes as to what I should look like. It is like rebellion and insecure comfort seeking all at the same time. I feel that all of these activities are draining and I feel like I lose all track of time. I feel burdened. There is something that needs to be address so that the burden can be lifted. What am I withholding from my mother? Anger and resentment spring to mind but they are so deep seeded that I strain to feel the emotional attached to such thoughts. There are issue of abandonment and even hate but these seems like mental concepts that my body has long blocked the physical response to, lest it "jump my memory" What have I forgotten? If I remember will it set me free?

In my struggle to be aloof and guarded I surrender all of my energy