Feeling the Burn

Well apologies as usual since it has been to long between posts, as I am getting better at time management I am making more time for the things that keep me sane, so you will be seeing me more often- No more excuses!

So it has been nearly two months into my sobriety challenge and there have new improvements which is all honesty scare the hell out of me. I have had the opportunity to get to know myself a whole lot better and whilst it isn't always rainbows and lollipops, its gotta be better than denial (I hope!)

So far there has been a number of stages that I have gone through with this challenge and the more I strip away, the more I find I used so many props to hide behind and constantly depriving myself of genuine expression. I know I have no issue with candour, but I am not always the positive bottle of pep pills that I show to the world. A lot of the time the charade gives me headaches but I have been doing it so long that I find it hard to be real. So here it goes

I was not happy with the way I was living my life and a lot of the things that made me who I thought I was. And I hated the bullshit strong face that I showed to make sure that I receive not pity. It also meant I got no help. I haven't got it figured out, my life is not complete and all the concessions and silver linings I find don't change that fact. Those concessions were a reason not to change, to stagnate and find some consolation that there was some positive in the mediocrity I have been living. There are some a changes happening and there are more to be made, but the biggest promise I am going to keep for myself this year is honesty. It's time for real expression so when I feel happiness I can enjoy it rather than fake it to shut people out.

The next stage in my transformation is: Anger
I have never allowed myself to be angry, let alone express it. And when I ever did I apologised profusely for such unbecoming behaviour. I AM ALLOWED TO BE ANGRY! There is shit in this world that isn't fair and gets under your skin and I am sick of shoving it down inside so it keeps building inside my heart. One day I am going to explode and it is going to be the people I care about most that are going to cop it. I realise now that all areas of my insobriety were sedation, distractions from the anger I have inside me about the various wrongs I have endured in my life. I have always refused to give validation to any feelings of anger lest they steer me from the path of happiness. But I realise now that I can't find true peace until I acknowledge and love every part of who I am, I am allowed to feel hurt, betrayed, annoyed, pissed out, vengeful- all of those things because I know deep down inside those emotions are not who I am.

I am a positive person, I am all about the love and nurturing and I am freaking amazing; But for God's sake there are somethings I need to let out. From the pain from Luke, the un-returned Love for Kirk, the roller coaster that is my brother- It is time I screamed from the rooftop that all that shit isn't and wasn't right. I have seen it all from your perspectives and they are valid. But the pain I have felt is valid to. I need to finally acknowledge the validity of my own pain so that I can finally let all of it good and love them all like I know I want to be able to. So I am not going to cope all the injustices on the chin, I am going to stand up for myself NOW I don't know what I am going to be, but I know it is going to be better. Welcome Tahnee 3.0