United States Of Tahnee

I think that we are all crazy. We create multiple personalities to be able to cope with everything life throws at us. I am not sure how many of us are honest about how many we have or accept the validity or purpose for which they were created. I am starting to get a headache just talking about this, and since I am starting to recognise these as a defence mechanism to stop thinking about the things that cause pain, stress or any ill feeling, I know I must be on the right track

I am petrified of uncovering all the personalities I have or have been. More so I am scared shitless of the reasons they are here to protect me. My throat is tight and frightened tears are threatening to make an appearance. But in the commitment to myself of transition, I will push ahead, whether I cry in the public library or not.

So we have all meet my version of Alice, you know her, the philosophically happy tea totaling woman looking into the wilderness. The "Hello Poppets" variety of woman in a permanent state of delusion (Wow it kinda hurts being honest with oneself). Well she is the keeper of keys so to speak and the mothering yet blind personality that shields my eyes from the darker side of myself and reality in general. I know that I will transition to something like her, seeing the best in people and wanting to nurture and love, but there will be a big dose of reality checking and honest self appraisal.

So I ask myself- what is her purpose? Why is she here? She is a manifestation of my personal studies into universal consciousness, my answer to the law of attraction. If I think in a certain way, I will create certain things. She is the persona that always keeps one face for the world and a firm hand on keeping the fear inside. I have never let myself show weakness, and being afraid is the pinnacle of weak. Her trusty sidekick, Aloof Joe (which I will examine in later blogs) solidifies the game face but not giving an inch, refusing to give any information and giving the appearance that everything has been taken in her/his massive stride. Then there is Lollipop Annie, which talks so must shit at a lighting but bubbly pace that no one can get a word in to challenge the game face. If you listen closely to the gabble, you will notice that she is never giving any information. She was created because when I was younger my mother used to solicit information from me as a friend, or confidante and then use it against me in later fights. I was devastated every time. I felt betrayed and hardened up and refused to let anyone inside so that they could use myself against me. So in a lonely place like the shut up soul, multiple personalities distract from the emptiness, the silence

My mother now is one of my best friends and has evolved much in the way that I have been. But it is dealing with the hurts in the past, not blaming anyone but acknowledging that they happened and the pain suffered, that I will be set free

In my next blog we'll talk about Dr Matt, kinetics and the sheer terror I felt when I found out that the body responds to truth and lies and knows the difference- what am i going to learn about myself and the constructs that I have created?