Fight or Flight?

When it is that we develop our instincts to deal with any given suitation? I mean, really, what precise moment in time is it when we programe ourselves to feel; how to react; how to just deal? The bigger question for me know is how do I erase that program and start fresh?

In this changing life when every day is a new world, my honesty with myself is the only stable part of my life. And honestly, I am watching my ship sinking fast. I am adrift in a new world of ideas, emotion, circumstance, and I hate that I cling so desperately to the sinking ships of the past. The world as I know it is dying. This sounds macabre, but it really is beautiful more than anything. The past is shedding from me like skin. I see an ocean of possibilities; of new experience; a chance to be reprogramed. But as I watch the only things I know sink in this ocean, in the midst of its beauty, I am terrified.

I know that I am capable of change; of loving another with wanton abandon and giving that love to myself. But soometimes I think that I push so hard against my resistance that it becomes steadfast rather than allowing slow growth and consequent release. I am trying to live the adventure, be engaged with the journey and I know the wisdom of this path. It stares glaringly at me, as it has the whole time.

But wisdom is easily seen and difficult to enact. There is something holding me back. There is something that I need to let go of or I will sink with all these ships. I feel like I know exactly what this is, but my waking mind cannot describe it. Whatever it is, I know now that I need to face it, look it squarely in the eye and say I know you. There is nothing I can change, There is nothing I need to do. I just need to find acknowledgement so that this great white elephant can finally leave the room.

All I can do is to take the steps that wisdom suggests and let go of my pride. So for once it my life, I will be brave. Not the courage forced by a blind rush into action, though it has been the catalyst for my learning thus far. I will be brave enough to take one step at a time, allow myself to grow rather than pull myself up my the roots. Otherwise, I will run. Always the flight risk, all my mental programs are screaming run, run like you have never run before. But there is something inseide me that anchors me. I just can't run away more. I have to do this, all of it, everything. I have to allow myself to feel