Documentarian goes native

I had a dream... last night, where I was conscious that I was dreaming but it was like I was dreaming it and writing about it at the same time. The prose was better than anything that I have written so far in waking life, probably because I wasn't criticising myself as I wrote. It just let it flow, felt the moment; the emotion; the passion for all things- good ol' plain gusto for privilege of life. Yet I awake again foggy headed and like I am living under a cloud of allergens. What the?

I have come to realise I have reached Stage 7 (is that the number we are up to?) Realisations. Life is becoming clearer for me, the mental and emotional blockades are being revealed to me and I stand before them thinking "Wow, I don't need you anymore". Here are some of the realisations that have cropped up

1. I spent too much time in my head.
The answers to life's questions are simple- really; I shit you not. I just spend that much time in my head documenting and analysing that I come up with very lucid, rational and well thought out explanations for why things are they way they are. Then after all that thinking, rethinking, editing of thoughts and preparation of final submissions, the universe lands me with the cold facts- This is how it is, it is simple, obvious and in your face and you would have seen it if you weren't hiding inside your head. So universe I get the picture- stop spending so much time in my head and look around, spend more time with others and give them the benefit of the doubt. Just because experience has given you a few bad eggs, doesn't mean that everyone you meet has an agenda, or that they are going to let you down in some way or (the biggest fear) break your heart. You are what you think, attract what you think and live the manifestation of your thoughts. See again, simple answer. If it all comes down to thought, change them if they aren't delivering what you really want.

Of course, a small disclaimer. The excavations I have been doing in my psyche have been beneficial and I have been able to learn a lot more about myself. But the key is balance. Balance what you think, what you eat, how you treat people, the world, yourself. It all comes down to balance. And from balance comes harmony and then we are all happy campers.

2. I document life too much and fail to live it
Yes it is an oxymoron in actions a I write to you about writing about life rather than living it. But I see this now. So, without further ado, I will leave you to ponder while I get out there and address in myself what needs to be done, what need to be repaired and what needs to be celebrated through action.

Avior

Ending the Punishment

I have been amazed at the vareity of ways that I punish myself. I create money situations so that I feel bad, I am in a job that I am not satisfied in because it makes me feel bad. I even stop myself going from the toilet, telling myself whatever I am doing MUST be finished first when really it can wait. It's like I think I am a naughty little girl and I must be punished. It will do me good, show me some discipline. Well self, here is so news: you are WRONG!!!!!

All it does is makes me feel meek and invalidated and I don't deserve that, I feel sick in the pit of my stomach even addressing this but it has been going on for too long. Just this morning I stressed myself out so bad about getting a new pair of shoes because they broke on the walk into the city. "You can't afford that, those pair are too expensive even if you do like them, you have to go to generic stores because face it, you're generic." I ended up buying cotton wool and bandaids from the reject shop. If that is not screaming "victim" I am not sure what is

I have been saying that I need a new pair of flats and the universe gave me a reason because I don't allow myself much so it has to force situations where I can do what I want without feeling guilty to my inner drill sergent. Yes you, I'm calling you out, I know who you are and I am a adult for christ sake and if I want and need a new pair of shoes I am going to get them so go f*** yourself. Yes you heard me (And all of you are reading me having a moment talking to myself, but sometimes it has to be done)I am taking control right now and you can't bully me anymore. So nah ne nah ne nah nah go find someone else to bother because I am taking control of myself and I am not feeling guilty anymore about being alive.

I am valid, I am worthy and I am kicking arse today just you watch xoxox I WILL NO LONGER PUNISH MYSELF AND I REALISE THE NEED TO DO SO

Perception Slide

I keep noticing myself in the mirror with surprise going "Hey you look kinda slim there... Hang on that doesn't much the perception of being fat- what's going on?"

New perceptions

I am finally seeing the abundance of the universe and that I need to just ask for the things I want and need and follow the things that make me happy. Simple

Allergic emotions

As I progress through my personal journey through the plethora of my emotions, I have started to notice to physical manifestations of repressed issues.

I suffer hay fever only when I at home and generally when my mother is there. I also have an uncontrollable need to binge on sugar and lapse back into smoking. I end up feeling lethargic and toxified. I have not yet delved into the precise nature and causes relative to my mother, but I know that I am hiding (mind travelled to rejection or even resentment)from something and use all the arsenal at my disposal there to avoid confrontation. In the end I need to sleep and retreat to my sanctum in the house, my old room

The walls are no longer blue, but they used to be and there is still the feeling of burden and depression. I feel safe there, but I also feel trapped as I am locked inside to be safe from the outside. I wake feeling drained rather than refreshed. There are too many mirrors and I have a hard time looking at myself in a positive way.

Maybe my issues with my weight and overeating generally come from compensation of fearing my mother and her sometime harsh attitudes as to what I should look like. It is like rebellion and insecure comfort seeking all at the same time. I feel that all of these activities are draining and I feel like I lose all track of time. I feel burdened. There is something that needs to be address so that the burden can be lifted. What am I withholding from my mother? Anger and resentment spring to mind but they are so deep seeded that I strain to feel the emotional attached to such thoughts. There are issue of abandonment and even hate but these seems like mental concepts that my body has long blocked the physical response to, lest it "jump my memory" What have I forgotten? If I remember will it set me free?

In my struggle to be aloof and guarded I surrender all of my energy

Gonna be a bright, sunshining day

Well it is nice to be able to report that after the sluggishness that comes from soul excavation, there is periods of lightness and hope that come also. I spent a lot of time over the past few days digging into reasons why I do the things I do. One issue in particular was over eating. The key realisation, in addition to deeper issues that I need to address and let go, is that it is defence mechanism to keep men away. After Luke, I promised myself that no-one would hurt me like that again. No-one would blindside me and I would not be blinded by love. Further I felt that it had to be something wrong with me that made someone do something so hurtful. So in my body's innate capabilities to protect me from harm, it put on a couple of extra kilos and said "There, there- there is nothing wrong with you as a person, You are just Fat and no one loves a fat person."

Over eating has been a huge defence and punishment mechanism in my life and I am only starting to recognise how deep it all goes. But the light at the end of the tunnel is that, I am not FAT as much as I am trying to protect myself from adding "padding". The question is not how do I lose weight, but what do I need to protect myself from and do I really need protecting anymore?

Dancing with Insanity

So this has been my public platform of disclsoure where I have beared the emerging piece of my soul. Why you might ask? Why exactly does someone bear their inner fears on the internet. Because I am insane, jsut in case you haven't notice

This detoxification period has been a mass exodus of personal insight coming thick and fast. I am understanding and recognising things so fast so more is thrown at me. More and more and more. I want ed all of this so keep in coming. The more I learn about myself the better life has got to be... right?

I have been surrounded by high school students today which is a big arrow pointing to the begining of my passage of identity. I looked at them originally thinking, none of us know who you are- you do things to fit in, you say things because they are what you think you should say, you act/don't act more that a passive message might scream its intention without having to say it. It says it. It's obvious and so are your motives. Then the deflating thought it "get off your high horse Tahnee, you are still doing all of these things. Stop Posing"