30 minutes of contemplation to make my life better

An interesting proposition to contemplate life in 30 minutes. It seems so inconceivable that the magnitude of life can be distilled into such a small window of time. So yet most of us would baulk or be confused by conceptualising that 30 minutes could change a life. I am sounding like a self health novel and that is totally not my intention.

My intention, (if there really is one) is really more to entertain myself. And hence the subject - 30 minutes to contemplate how to make my life more fulfilling. Even by saying this I am struck that my blog's title asks for betterness and my last comment finishes this will fulfilment. So how do I become fulfilled?

My Boss came to me on Friday and asked me what type of community issue I am passionate about. I really had no idea; well more specifically no feeling. There was nothing that stirred in my mind as I cause that I am or want to be passionate about. I could think of things that would benefit my career and my firm but I could think of nothing off hand which stirred any sparks of passion. Perhaps this is a worry.

Passion is a powerful concept and in it might live fulfilment. At first I tend not to believe that passion can exists for prolonged periods. There is always a fall from the high and the higher you fly, the quicker and more steep the fall. But you always pull up fly straight and cruise right on back up again. Am I afraid of passion? It seems I rather take a nervous, somewhat panicked feeling about passion. My heart feels tight; deep breath...

But then, the thought fills me life water - peace is passion and passion is peace expressed fully. Think about it (I obviously am) - when you are having passionate, consuming sex, you are expressing yourself fully, present, enjoying the moment, feeling loved and safe and at peace with your choices and your body. This first thought is inextricably linked with my doubts as to passion's longevity. I associated passion immediately with intercourse and considered that most relationships were based in passion and failed miserably, there is an obvious connection between my feeling toward passion and that of failed loves and the cynicism that nothing good can last.

This cynicism can only float in my watery thoughts. The realisation that passion in its essence when being peace expressed fully, it is more than sexual relationships and feelings of loss. It is taking joy in the moments - macro and micro. Be thankful for them all - each and every thought. Because they are the memories; the post cards that will be the stories we recall and define ourselves as we age.

So thirty minutes are up and I haven't actually read anything that I have written above. It is pretty much just verbal spew or free following prose depending on your preferences. In the thirty minutes of contemplating myself more than it seems the topic of making it better, I am retraced my words to distill what ways I can make my life better:

1. Inner peace, fulfilment and passion are linked and will make my life better.

2. I need have a vision for what will make my life better and not be so distracted, like the flow of my thoughts above, going from tangent to tangent. Research it, commit to it and never never never give up

3. I really need to let some shit go. There is a whole little ball of pain balled up in my solar plexis of past hurts and I seem to hold tightly on to them like they will protect me. I really have no use for all this mental baggage anymore.

4. I need to give myself a chance and stop being so afraid of failure and just commit to something.

Spin it again Mr DJ

So the floods waters invaded our garage and our hard work being prepared for our move has been set back. But with the waters brought diaries from my younger years, poems penned in 2000 and earlier admist all that tennage angst. But whilst some of the words were heart breaking or a little disturbing, there was one line which caught my eye. "Instant gratification is for the weak, follow your heart to find your strength" 13 years later and I am still trying to breaking from that weakness and find my strength. The lesson is short and simple. This is something that I need to do for myself, that I need to free myself and find true happiness. Not consumerist satification, feeling bloated on a life that brings me ruin. I need to make myself accountable for myself and this I promise to myself will happen. No more excuses. I have seen people tranform their lives over only a few months - there is absolutely NO reason why I cannot do this for myself.

Reboot and Re-evaluation

Wow, it has been a long time since I first started this blog and an expendentially long "year" stalking Mr Branson. Along the way it has gone off track a bit from its original designs but was necessary to help clean up some of the negativity in my mind and learning a place to be honest and kind to myself and listen to the wisdom that I myself can teach. But it is now 2013 and I will be turning 30. My chest just tightened thinking about it. My want for change is (not consciously) in response to turning thirty or some mid life crisis. I have sifted through most of the emotional hurt now and come to a place that I am ready to try to make the changes and be the person that I want to be. My problem has been lack of discipline and an additive personality; That and a perchant for emotional eating since I can remember. There are many things that I can blame for the problems that I have - media and movies showing me from a young age that the way to deal with hurt and stress is through excessive alcohol consumption and eatng crappy food etc. But that is the problem - blaming everything else for my problems. I didn't have to listen, I could have chosen a different path - no-one put a gun to my head and said "do it". I made all of those choices myself. Deep inside I have always wanted to be one of those "healthy people" - you know those ones that eat super healthy, exercise, are free from additions such as over-eating, smoking and alocholism. But this desire was never really accompanied by a desire to do something about it. Just facing the immediate withdraws and general awfulness that comes from removing the fuel of your dependance has also stopped me from making a change. But the negative self talk remains which is most likely the toxic side effects from my life. I drink alcohol regularly. I smoke everyday. And when times are tough, or boring or just passing, there I am shoving food into my mouth. Sometimes it is better to feel full than to feel the depth of eomtional pain that we stuff down inside of us; to deal with the stress that comes with our daily lives; to be present not matter what that is. That's the same with the alcohol and the smoking - all of it is an escapist route to stop myself from drawing the bucket up from the well and seeing just exactly is inside me and what needs to go. Before I started writing this just before I didn't really that I still had some much pain. I know that I have much self loathing and such a hard attitude with myself that causes the poisious cycle to continue. I have been in denial and realising that is almost bringing me to tears. But this is not the reason that I write today, though I have discovered that this will be my champion to change. I write because I have got so off track and so far from the dreams and aspiriations that I held for myself. When I first started this blog I had gone through a devasting breakup and had come through the other side. God had ripped me up from the roots from absolute toxicity - from heavy drinking, taking drugs and eating extremely poorly. God broke everything in my life, took a torch and burnt it to the ground and said "if you are not going to help yourself then I will but everything has to go." I felt like I was left with nothing and I was a shell of a human being. I didn't see the lesson at the time or nor did I even have a relationship with God at that time to known it. Over time, I got better - I stopped abusing alcohol and drugs. I ate better and exercised more. I started to feel a lot better about myself but still the negative self talk and insecurities remained. So for the last however many years from that time I had to work on clearing some out those emotional issues. I have had some modest success in that regard. But the drinking came back, not as bad but it slowly filtered back in; same with the emotional eating which again started a cycle for loathing and eating. Luckily the drugs stayed out of my life but the core of my problems remained - commitment to change. As with the last few years, this story has gone a little bit of topic. The stage has been set for the reasons that I want and need to change. I am lazy, there is no denying it. I have been lacking discipline and determination and have not achieved many of the targets and ambitions that I originally set myself. I lied to myself and my family and friends about my efforts and became a closet addict to the things that had brought me down to my "collapse" in the first place. And where has it all left me? It has been 5 years and there have been changes and I have achieved many things. But the inherent problems have been masked by my ignorance and unwillingness to make a genuine effort to change still remain. I suffer bouts of depression regularly, my mental state and lifestyle make it difficult to manage stress which is a daily part of my life with the profession that I choose to pursue. And writing this makes it seems so damn crazy that I have failed to make the steps in myself to make me happy and be able to not only cope but excel with the ventures that I undertake. Don't get my wrong I am not unhappy - far from it. I am thankful for all the good and great things in my life. By from a personal, internal view, I wouldn't call myself happy with myself. So long story short. I need and want to make a change. I am scared and worried that I will fail but the only person that is stopping me from being who i want to be is me. So 2013 will see me re-evaluting my priorities, the choices that I make and what I want to achieve (I mean really going Blonde? In the greater scheme of things what will that really achieve?!?! What greater purpose for my self esteem will that do?) The changes that I am hoping to and will stay committed to achieve are 1. Complete reboot of diet and lifestyle - I recently watched fat,sick and nearly dead and realise the monumental impact that I can have by changing my diet. So this means pretty much living on fruits, vegetables and nuts (Micronutrients) and working towards removing the inflammatory and harmful habits from my life - drinking and smoking. 2. Prioritising my life and setting meaningful goals for myself that I have always wanted to achieve by have found excuses sot to achieve them - singing, dancing, surfing, writing etc 3. Making the effort to spend more time whth the people that I love rather than sitting on my arse in front of the TV. So what if it is a 2 hour drive to see my best friend? it is time to get off my arse and share my life with all of the people that matter because how know how long that I have to do this. So what is needed is not only balance and determination but kindness with myself and experimentation(and documentation) to find what will work for me and my circumstances. I am going to put myself out there, make myself accountable for the changes that I want to achieve and document the process that I can learn and make a meaningful and permanent change and be the person that I know I can be. I was only just saying to my best friend the other day about her need to change her life and reservations that she had. I said to her (words to the effect of) "Honey I don't mean to sounds harsh but you need to "man up" take charge and just do it. I have stood back for months as you have talked around the issues and procastinated about making a change. And all it has done hs made you sick and unhappy. It's time to take a teaspoon for cement and harden up. It is going to make you feel shit, it is going to be hard and confrontational but you are getting it over with in one concentrated dose and then you will be free. Its like a band aid, just rip it off - its going to hurt like hell and mess with your head for a bit but then it is over. After that you don't have to deal witht the lying and the guilt. Honesty is the way and doing it now will stop you from losing it and being forced into a position of change" I think that it is time that I stopped giving advice and started taking it. Wish me luck

The Magic Ring

So it is officially one week two days since I took the plunge and got married. Admittedly I thought things were going to be different. Not different as in "bad" but different as in the world is coming to an end and I have lost my identity. But surprisingly it's not the case at all. If anything I'm probably more myself now that I've ever been. What's more I'm giggling, smiling and shagging like it's nobody's business. The one thing that I've noticed the most is that I'm happy. I haven't lost any part of myself; I feel more free now then when I was when I was single. That's what I find funny. I was always scared of making a lifelong commitment to somebody else. But there is something so liberating about true and unconditional love. It can shelter to you from the harshness of this world; A love that can give you a platform to speak and the love That shines a light on the very unique and special gem that you are. I didn't realize until the feeling was gone that before I was married had a sense of bitterness and resentment nestled inside me. I felt that in relationships I was trying to be contained, molded and shaped to fit someone else's expectations. But I know now that it was just another wall to keep people out, to try and protect myself from some unknown terror ; a way to habour the hurts and the pains of the past and murmur softly to myself that I was the victim. I take responsibility for myself now and with the love of a good man I will allow myself the courage to fight for what I want; to allow myself more than a few glimpses of happiness and to forgive and forget.

It's all the same thing, isn't it?

I've been thinking a lot recently about the "Celestine Prophecy" and "following my feet". I have also been thinking a lot about my relationship with God. What links these text and relationship with God together I think is faith. The "Celestine Prophecy" tells us to see the signs and the power and divinity of synchronicity. "The Secret" tells us about positive thinking and the act of willing our desires into existence persistent thought. Positive thinking is definitely important and it is constant battle to ensure that we let the positive rather on the negative side win out; But it still comes down to faith. I mean think about it - positivity comes from faith and faith is essentially the absence of fear. Therefore negativity is the opposite of faith because it is based solely in fear. Of Course it is definitely important to have conscious direction as to what we want our lives. It is to faith helps us to trust & to see the opportunities in our lives. Faith allows us to have the ability to open our eyes to our lives and not to barage ourselves with the incessant questions of "what if... (insert negative thought here)?" But faith in itself, for want of a better phrase, is a constant battle. It's not something that necessarily comes easy to all of us and I know myself it is something that I find difficult to maintain. The reason why faith is so important because without faith these tools of the conscious mind maybe lead askew. I mean there's no benefit to "following the signs" if you're living in constant anxiety as to whether you are following the right signs or what will happen if you don't follow a sign... The anxiety of what if It sounds totally naff but I am starting to see that with faith comes love and acceptance of not only the world around you and the people in it but of yourself; That is the most difficult thing that I've been Trying to master over the 29 years of my life thus far So as I follow my feet and critically analyse and accept the things that happened and come into my life I know that is God that brings this to me. I know that it is God that will shine a light in times of darkness and will provide the guidance if I cannot trust my instincts to know what is the right direction to take.

Teenage Angst approaching 30?

It is a horrible feeling when you wake up in the morning and realize that you live in a constant state of angst and loathing. I mean it took three changes of clothes, the brightest pink eye shadow I could find and overcoming a moment of depressed despair "you can't pull this off (i.e.: you're fat) and you know it" to be to a place of approval of myself. Deep breath in, split second appreciation and *sigh* now back to address everything else that I loath about myself.

Honestly a former version of me is disgusted with myself (which is probably just another projection of guilt and loathing) "You were never like this; well you got past this anyway. You stopped talking to yourself like this, stopped abusing your body..."

Sorry to interrupt the diatribe but I just had news flash of truth - "you were drinking when you were happy". Funny shit - who would have thought that when I wasn't drinking alcohol, was eating healthy food and vigorously exercising daily that it made a difference to my mental state.

But truly, sarcasim and negativity aside, healthy body = healthy mind. It sounds uncool to say it but it is true. Damn. The simple truths (which will lead to what I ultimately desire) seems to warrant the most monumental amount of change. Now on to do something about it.

And who said writing never set you free - thank you Lord for the medium and revelations. Moreover thank you for the gift of insight that comes with acknowledging yourself in whatever form it is and being able to accept the honesty that you heart is willing to give when you are willing to listen.