An interesting proposition to contemplate life in 30 minutes. It seems so inconceivable that the magnitude of life can be distilled into such a small window of time. So yet most of us would baulk or be confused by conceptualising that 30 minutes could change a life. I am sounding like a self health novel and that is totally not my intention.
My intention, (if there really is one) is really more to entertain myself. And hence the subject - 30 minutes to contemplate how to make my life more fulfilling. Even by saying this I am struck that my blog's title asks for betterness and my last comment finishes this will fulfilment. So how do I become fulfilled?
My Boss came to me on Friday and asked me what type of community issue I am passionate about. I really had no idea; well more specifically no feeling. There was nothing that stirred in my mind as I cause that I am or want to be passionate about. I could think of things that would benefit my career and my firm but I could think of nothing off hand which stirred any sparks of passion. Perhaps this is a worry.
Passion is a powerful concept and in it might live fulfilment. At first I tend not to believe that passion can exists for prolonged periods. There is always a fall from the high and the higher you fly, the quicker and more steep the fall. But you always pull up fly straight and cruise right on back up again. Am I afraid of passion? It seems I rather take a nervous, somewhat panicked feeling about passion. My heart feels tight; deep breath...
But then, the thought fills me life water - peace is passion and passion is peace expressed fully. Think about it (I obviously am) - when you are having passionate, consuming sex, you are expressing yourself fully, present, enjoying the moment, feeling loved and safe and at peace with your choices and your body. This first thought is inextricably linked with my doubts as to passion's longevity. I associated passion immediately with intercourse and considered that most relationships were based in passion and failed miserably, there is an obvious connection between my feeling toward passion and that of failed loves and the cynicism that nothing good can last.
This cynicism can only float in my watery thoughts. The realisation that passion in its essence when being peace expressed fully, it is more than sexual relationships and feelings of loss. It is taking joy in the moments - macro and micro. Be thankful for them all - each and every thought. Because they are the memories; the post cards that will be the stories we recall and define ourselves as we age.
So thirty minutes are up and I haven't actually read anything that I have written above. It is pretty much just verbal spew or free following prose depending on your preferences. In the thirty minutes of contemplating myself more than it seems the topic of making it better, I am retraced my words to distill what ways I can make my life better:
1. Inner peace, fulfilment and passion are linked and will make my life better.
2. I need have a vision for what will make my life better and not be so distracted, like the flow of my thoughts above, going from tangent to tangent. Research it, commit to it and never never never give up
3. I really need to let some shit go. There is a whole little ball of pain balled up in my solar plexis of past hurts and I seem to hold tightly on to them like they will protect me. I really have no use for all this mental baggage anymore.
4. I need to give myself a chance and stop being so afraid of failure and just commit to something.
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