It is a horrible feeling when you wake up in the morning and realize that you live in a constant state of angst and loathing. I mean it took three changes of clothes, the brightest pink eye shadow I could find and overcoming a moment of depressed despair "you can't pull this off (i.e.: you're fat) and you know it" to be to a place of approval of myself. Deep breath in, split second appreciation and *sigh* now back to address everything else that I loath about myself.
Honestly a former version of me is disgusted with myself (which is probably just another projection of guilt and loathing) "You were never like this; well you got past this anyway. You stopped talking to yourself like this, stopped abusing your body..."
Sorry to interrupt the diatribe but I just had news flash of truth - "you were drinking when you were happy". Funny shit - who would have thought that when I wasn't drinking alcohol, was eating healthy food and vigorously exercising daily that it made a difference to my mental state.
But truly, sarcasim and negativity aside, healthy body = healthy mind. It sounds uncool to say it but it is true. Damn. The simple truths (which will lead to what I ultimately desire) seems to warrant the most monumental amount of change. Now on to do something about it.
And who said writing never set you free - thank you Lord for the medium and revelations. Moreover thank you for the gift of insight that comes with acknowledging yourself in whatever form it is and being able to accept the honesty that you heart is willing to give when you are willing to listen.
No comments:
Post a Comment