Reboot and Re-evaluation

Wow, it has been a long time since I first started this blog and an expendentially long "year" stalking Mr Branson. Along the way it has gone off track a bit from its original designs but was necessary to help clean up some of the negativity in my mind and learning a place to be honest and kind to myself and listen to the wisdom that I myself can teach. But it is now 2013 and I will be turning 30. My chest just tightened thinking about it. My want for change is (not consciously) in response to turning thirty or some mid life crisis. I have sifted through most of the emotional hurt now and come to a place that I am ready to try to make the changes and be the person that I want to be. My problem has been lack of discipline and an additive personality; That and a perchant for emotional eating since I can remember. There are many things that I can blame for the problems that I have - media and movies showing me from a young age that the way to deal with hurt and stress is through excessive alcohol consumption and eatng crappy food etc. But that is the problem - blaming everything else for my problems. I didn't have to listen, I could have chosen a different path - no-one put a gun to my head and said "do it". I made all of those choices myself. Deep inside I have always wanted to be one of those "healthy people" - you know those ones that eat super healthy, exercise, are free from additions such as over-eating, smoking and alocholism. But this desire was never really accompanied by a desire to do something about it. Just facing the immediate withdraws and general awfulness that comes from removing the fuel of your dependance has also stopped me from making a change. But the negative self talk remains which is most likely the toxic side effects from my life. I drink alcohol regularly. I smoke everyday. And when times are tough, or boring or just passing, there I am shoving food into my mouth. Sometimes it is better to feel full than to feel the depth of eomtional pain that we stuff down inside of us; to deal with the stress that comes with our daily lives; to be present not matter what that is. That's the same with the alcohol and the smoking - all of it is an escapist route to stop myself from drawing the bucket up from the well and seeing just exactly is inside me and what needs to go. Before I started writing this just before I didn't really that I still had some much pain. I know that I have much self loathing and such a hard attitude with myself that causes the poisious cycle to continue. I have been in denial and realising that is almost bringing me to tears. But this is not the reason that I write today, though I have discovered that this will be my champion to change. I write because I have got so off track and so far from the dreams and aspiriations that I held for myself. When I first started this blog I had gone through a devasting breakup and had come through the other side. God had ripped me up from the roots from absolute toxicity - from heavy drinking, taking drugs and eating extremely poorly. God broke everything in my life, took a torch and burnt it to the ground and said "if you are not going to help yourself then I will but everything has to go." I felt like I was left with nothing and I was a shell of a human being. I didn't see the lesson at the time or nor did I even have a relationship with God at that time to known it. Over time, I got better - I stopped abusing alcohol and drugs. I ate better and exercised more. I started to feel a lot better about myself but still the negative self talk and insecurities remained. So for the last however many years from that time I had to work on clearing some out those emotional issues. I have had some modest success in that regard. But the drinking came back, not as bad but it slowly filtered back in; same with the emotional eating which again started a cycle for loathing and eating. Luckily the drugs stayed out of my life but the core of my problems remained - commitment to change. As with the last few years, this story has gone a little bit of topic. The stage has been set for the reasons that I want and need to change. I am lazy, there is no denying it. I have been lacking discipline and determination and have not achieved many of the targets and ambitions that I originally set myself. I lied to myself and my family and friends about my efforts and became a closet addict to the things that had brought me down to my "collapse" in the first place. And where has it all left me? It has been 5 years and there have been changes and I have achieved many things. But the inherent problems have been masked by my ignorance and unwillingness to make a genuine effort to change still remain. I suffer bouts of depression regularly, my mental state and lifestyle make it difficult to manage stress which is a daily part of my life with the profession that I choose to pursue. And writing this makes it seems so damn crazy that I have failed to make the steps in myself to make me happy and be able to not only cope but excel with the ventures that I undertake. Don't get my wrong I am not unhappy - far from it. I am thankful for all the good and great things in my life. By from a personal, internal view, I wouldn't call myself happy with myself. So long story short. I need and want to make a change. I am scared and worried that I will fail but the only person that is stopping me from being who i want to be is me. So 2013 will see me re-evaluting my priorities, the choices that I make and what I want to achieve (I mean really going Blonde? In the greater scheme of things what will that really achieve?!?! What greater purpose for my self esteem will that do?) The changes that I am hoping to and will stay committed to achieve are 1. Complete reboot of diet and lifestyle - I recently watched fat,sick and nearly dead and realise the monumental impact that I can have by changing my diet. So this means pretty much living on fruits, vegetables and nuts (Micronutrients) and working towards removing the inflammatory and harmful habits from my life - drinking and smoking. 2. Prioritising my life and setting meaningful goals for myself that I have always wanted to achieve by have found excuses sot to achieve them - singing, dancing, surfing, writing etc 3. Making the effort to spend more time whth the people that I love rather than sitting on my arse in front of the TV. So what if it is a 2 hour drive to see my best friend? it is time to get off my arse and share my life with all of the people that matter because how know how long that I have to do this. So what is needed is not only balance and determination but kindness with myself and experimentation(and documentation) to find what will work for me and my circumstances. I am going to put myself out there, make myself accountable for the changes that I want to achieve and document the process that I can learn and make a meaningful and permanent change and be the person that I know I can be. I was only just saying to my best friend the other day about her need to change her life and reservations that she had. I said to her (words to the effect of) "Honey I don't mean to sounds harsh but you need to "man up" take charge and just do it. I have stood back for months as you have talked around the issues and procastinated about making a change. And all it has done hs made you sick and unhappy. It's time to take a teaspoon for cement and harden up. It is going to make you feel shit, it is going to be hard and confrontational but you are getting it over with in one concentrated dose and then you will be free. Its like a band aid, just rip it off - its going to hurt like hell and mess with your head for a bit but then it is over. After that you don't have to deal witht the lying and the guilt. Honesty is the way and doing it now will stop you from losing it and being forced into a position of change" I think that it is time that I stopped giving advice and started taking it. Wish me luck