There has been a lot that I have been going through lately, including a nightmarish nights sleep last night where I was introduced to all the differeing parts of my personality, past and present and the matching male for that personality. It was painful to be in the same "room" with most of those "people", most of males made my stomach turn and I had a fitful sleep to say the least.
All that aside, I feel hope. I know that around the corner there is an abundant life, adjusted and balanced and I will be a deserving receipent. Also by the end of it I will know myself, which I feel proud to achieve at such a young age. I am proud of my courage and will persevere through this emotional detox. This glimmer of hope saves me, I feel like everything will be okay, I will be okay. I will be more than okay, I will finally be at peace
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
United States Of Tahnee
I think that we are all crazy. We create multiple personalities to be able to cope with everything life throws at us. I am not sure how many of us are honest about how many we have or accept the validity or purpose for which they were created. I am starting to get a headache just talking about this, and since I am starting to recognise these as a defence mechanism to stop thinking about the things that cause pain, stress or any ill feeling, I know I must be on the right track
I am petrified of uncovering all the personalities I have or have been. More so I am scared shitless of the reasons they are here to protect me. My throat is tight and frightened tears are threatening to make an appearance. But in the commitment to myself of transition, I will push ahead, whether I cry in the public library or not.
So we have all meet my version of Alice, you know her, the philosophically happy tea totaling woman looking into the wilderness. The "Hello Poppets" variety of woman in a permanent state of delusion (Wow it kinda hurts being honest with oneself). Well she is the keeper of keys so to speak and the mothering yet blind personality that shields my eyes from the darker side of myself and reality in general. I know that I will transition to something like her, seeing the best in people and wanting to nurture and love, but there will be a big dose of reality checking and honest self appraisal.
So I ask myself- what is her purpose? Why is she here? She is a manifestation of my personal studies into universal consciousness, my answer to the law of attraction. If I think in a certain way, I will create certain things. She is the persona that always keeps one face for the world and a firm hand on keeping the fear inside. I have never let myself show weakness, and being afraid is the pinnacle of weak. Her trusty sidekick, Aloof Joe (which I will examine in later blogs) solidifies the game face but not giving an inch, refusing to give any information and giving the appearance that everything has been taken in her/his massive stride. Then there is Lollipop Annie, which talks so must shit at a lighting but bubbly pace that no one can get a word in to challenge the game face. If you listen closely to the gabble, you will notice that she is never giving any information. She was created because when I was younger my mother used to solicit information from me as a friend, or confidante and then use it against me in later fights. I was devastated every time. I felt betrayed and hardened up and refused to let anyone inside so that they could use myself against me. So in a lonely place like the shut up soul, multiple personalities distract from the emptiness, the silence
My mother now is one of my best friends and has evolved much in the way that I have been. But it is dealing with the hurts in the past, not blaming anyone but acknowledging that they happened and the pain suffered, that I will be set free
In my next blog we'll talk about Dr Matt, kinetics and the sheer terror I felt when I found out that the body responds to truth and lies and knows the difference- what am i going to learn about myself and the constructs that I have created?
I am petrified of uncovering all the personalities I have or have been. More so I am scared shitless of the reasons they are here to protect me. My throat is tight and frightened tears are threatening to make an appearance. But in the commitment to myself of transition, I will push ahead, whether I cry in the public library or not.
So we have all meet my version of Alice, you know her, the philosophically happy tea totaling woman looking into the wilderness. The "Hello Poppets" variety of woman in a permanent state of delusion (Wow it kinda hurts being honest with oneself). Well she is the keeper of keys so to speak and the mothering yet blind personality that shields my eyes from the darker side of myself and reality in general. I know that I will transition to something like her, seeing the best in people and wanting to nurture and love, but there will be a big dose of reality checking and honest self appraisal.
So I ask myself- what is her purpose? Why is she here? She is a manifestation of my personal studies into universal consciousness, my answer to the law of attraction. If I think in a certain way, I will create certain things. She is the persona that always keeps one face for the world and a firm hand on keeping the fear inside. I have never let myself show weakness, and being afraid is the pinnacle of weak. Her trusty sidekick, Aloof Joe (which I will examine in later blogs) solidifies the game face but not giving an inch, refusing to give any information and giving the appearance that everything has been taken in her/his massive stride. Then there is Lollipop Annie, which talks so must shit at a lighting but bubbly pace that no one can get a word in to challenge the game face. If you listen closely to the gabble, you will notice that she is never giving any information. She was created because when I was younger my mother used to solicit information from me as a friend, or confidante and then use it against me in later fights. I was devastated every time. I felt betrayed and hardened up and refused to let anyone inside so that they could use myself against me. So in a lonely place like the shut up soul, multiple personalities distract from the emptiness, the silence
My mother now is one of my best friends and has evolved much in the way that I have been. But it is dealing with the hurts in the past, not blaming anyone but acknowledging that they happened and the pain suffered, that I will be set free
In my next blog we'll talk about Dr Matt, kinetics and the sheer terror I felt when I found out that the body responds to truth and lies and knows the difference- what am i going to learn about myself and the constructs that I have created?
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Feeling the Burn
Well apologies as usual since it has been to long between posts, as I am getting better at time management I am making more time for the things that keep me sane, so you will be seeing me more often- No more excuses!
So it has been nearly two months into my sobriety challenge and there have new improvements which is all honesty scare the hell out of me. I have had the opportunity to get to know myself a whole lot better and whilst it isn't always rainbows and lollipops, its gotta be better than denial (I hope!)
So far there has been a number of stages that I have gone through with this challenge and the more I strip away, the more I find I used so many props to hide behind and constantly depriving myself of genuine expression. I know I have no issue with candour, but I am not always the positive bottle of pep pills that I show to the world. A lot of the time the charade gives me headaches but I have been doing it so long that I find it hard to be real. So here it goes
I was not happy with the way I was living my life and a lot of the things that made me who I thought I was. And I hated the bullshit strong face that I showed to make sure that I receive not pity. It also meant I got no help. I haven't got it figured out, my life is not complete and all the concessions and silver linings I find don't change that fact. Those concessions were a reason not to change, to stagnate and find some consolation that there was some positive in the mediocrity I have been living. There are some a changes happening and there are more to be made, but the biggest promise I am going to keep for myself this year is honesty. It's time for real expression so when I feel happiness I can enjoy it rather than fake it to shut people out.
The next stage in my transformation is: Anger
I have never allowed myself to be angry, let alone express it. And when I ever did I apologised profusely for such unbecoming behaviour. I AM ALLOWED TO BE ANGRY! There is shit in this world that isn't fair and gets under your skin and I am sick of shoving it down inside so it keeps building inside my heart. One day I am going to explode and it is going to be the people I care about most that are going to cop it. I realise now that all areas of my insobriety were sedation, distractions from the anger I have inside me about the various wrongs I have endured in my life. I have always refused to give validation to any feelings of anger lest they steer me from the path of happiness. But I realise now that I can't find true peace until I acknowledge and love every part of who I am, I am allowed to feel hurt, betrayed, annoyed, pissed out, vengeful- all of those things because I know deep down inside those emotions are not who I am.
I am a positive person, I am all about the love and nurturing and I am freaking amazing; But for God's sake there are somethings I need to let out. From the pain from Luke, the un-returned Love for Kirk, the roller coaster that is my brother- It is time I screamed from the rooftop that all that shit isn't and wasn't right. I have seen it all from your perspectives and they are valid. But the pain I have felt is valid to. I need to finally acknowledge the validity of my own pain so that I can finally let all of it good and love them all like I know I want to be able to. So I am not going to cope all the injustices on the chin, I am going to stand up for myself NOW I don't know what I am going to be, but I know it is going to be better. Welcome Tahnee 3.0
So it has been nearly two months into my sobriety challenge and there have new improvements which is all honesty scare the hell out of me. I have had the opportunity to get to know myself a whole lot better and whilst it isn't always rainbows and lollipops, its gotta be better than denial (I hope!)
So far there has been a number of stages that I have gone through with this challenge and the more I strip away, the more I find I used so many props to hide behind and constantly depriving myself of genuine expression. I know I have no issue with candour, but I am not always the positive bottle of pep pills that I show to the world. A lot of the time the charade gives me headaches but I have been doing it so long that I find it hard to be real. So here it goes
I was not happy with the way I was living my life and a lot of the things that made me who I thought I was. And I hated the bullshit strong face that I showed to make sure that I receive not pity. It also meant I got no help. I haven't got it figured out, my life is not complete and all the concessions and silver linings I find don't change that fact. Those concessions were a reason not to change, to stagnate and find some consolation that there was some positive in the mediocrity I have been living. There are some a changes happening and there are more to be made, but the biggest promise I am going to keep for myself this year is honesty. It's time for real expression so when I feel happiness I can enjoy it rather than fake it to shut people out.
The next stage in my transformation is: Anger
I have never allowed myself to be angry, let alone express it. And when I ever did I apologised profusely for such unbecoming behaviour. I AM ALLOWED TO BE ANGRY! There is shit in this world that isn't fair and gets under your skin and I am sick of shoving it down inside so it keeps building inside my heart. One day I am going to explode and it is going to be the people I care about most that are going to cop it. I realise now that all areas of my insobriety were sedation, distractions from the anger I have inside me about the various wrongs I have endured in my life. I have always refused to give validation to any feelings of anger lest they steer me from the path of happiness. But I realise now that I can't find true peace until I acknowledge and love every part of who I am, I am allowed to feel hurt, betrayed, annoyed, pissed out, vengeful- all of those things because I know deep down inside those emotions are not who I am.
I am a positive person, I am all about the love and nurturing and I am freaking amazing; But for God's sake there are somethings I need to let out. From the pain from Luke, the un-returned Love for Kirk, the roller coaster that is my brother- It is time I screamed from the rooftop that all that shit isn't and wasn't right. I have seen it all from your perspectives and they are valid. But the pain I have felt is valid to. I need to finally acknowledge the validity of my own pain so that I can finally let all of it good and love them all like I know I want to be able to. So I am not going to cope all the injustices on the chin, I am going to stand up for myself NOW I don't know what I am going to be, but I know it is going to be better. Welcome Tahnee 3.0
Thursday, February 4, 2010
List Update
Hello there ferrets, it has been far too long between blogs and for this I apologise. It is now time to update you on the progress on the list to date.
1. As you know, I have given up alcohol for a year to raise money for Life Education Australia- and I have done 1 month already!!!! Yay me. So far have $290 pledged
2. I have been on the reading trail but admit I have hit a wall when it comes to ease of reading. I recently tried to read the Book of revealations and I really have no more than a faint idea as to what it is all about. Apparently the meaning to the Bible in general is not literal at all, but in the subtext. I am having trouble getting the literal at this point. But solider on I shall. I also picked up the B. Gita today from the Library, lets hope I have better luck with that!
3. The hair has been cut off and I have stopped biting my nails
4. So I think I can dance? Well soon I will be able to- start dancing at Mad Dance House in the city doing Hip Hop and Latin. God help me!
5. Moving out of home. Not an official list accomplishment, but come on- I am 27 and though I have been out in the world before, it is really time to fly the coup once more.
6. Raised more money for the kids in Cambodia-booya!
There is probably more to tell but after 3 hours of training this morning and another day of applications to find that perfect job I am spent. Talk to y'all soon xoxox
1. As you know, I have given up alcohol for a year to raise money for Life Education Australia- and I have done 1 month already!!!! Yay me. So far have $290 pledged
2. I have been on the reading trail but admit I have hit a wall when it comes to ease of reading. I recently tried to read the Book of revealations and I really have no more than a faint idea as to what it is all about. Apparently the meaning to the Bible in general is not literal at all, but in the subtext. I am having trouble getting the literal at this point. But solider on I shall. I also picked up the B. Gita today from the Library, lets hope I have better luck with that!
3. The hair has been cut off and I have stopped biting my nails
4. So I think I can dance? Well soon I will be able to- start dancing at Mad Dance House in the city doing Hip Hop and Latin. God help me!
5. Moving out of home. Not an official list accomplishment, but come on- I am 27 and though I have been out in the world before, it is really time to fly the coup once more.
6. Raised more money for the kids in Cambodia-booya!
There is probably more to tell but after 3 hours of training this morning and another day of applications to find that perfect job I am spent. Talk to y'all soon xoxox
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