The Magic Ring

So it is officially one week two days since I took the plunge and got married. Admittedly I thought things were going to be different. Not different as in "bad" but different as in the world is coming to an end and I have lost my identity. But surprisingly it's not the case at all. If anything I'm probably more myself now that I've ever been. What's more I'm giggling, smiling and shagging like it's nobody's business. The one thing that I've noticed the most is that I'm happy. I haven't lost any part of myself; I feel more free now then when I was when I was single. That's what I find funny. I was always scared of making a lifelong commitment to somebody else. But there is something so liberating about true and unconditional love. It can shelter to you from the harshness of this world; A love that can give you a platform to speak and the love That shines a light on the very unique and special gem that you are. I didn't realize until the feeling was gone that before I was married had a sense of bitterness and resentment nestled inside me. I felt that in relationships I was trying to be contained, molded and shaped to fit someone else's expectations. But I know now that it was just another wall to keep people out, to try and protect myself from some unknown terror ; a way to habour the hurts and the pains of the past and murmur softly to myself that I was the victim. I take responsibility for myself now and with the love of a good man I will allow myself the courage to fight for what I want; to allow myself more than a few glimpses of happiness and to forgive and forget.

It's all the same thing, isn't it?

I've been thinking a lot recently about the "Celestine Prophecy" and "following my feet". I have also been thinking a lot about my relationship with God. What links these text and relationship with God together I think is faith. The "Celestine Prophecy" tells us to see the signs and the power and divinity of synchronicity. "The Secret" tells us about positive thinking and the act of willing our desires into existence persistent thought. Positive thinking is definitely important and it is constant battle to ensure that we let the positive rather on the negative side win out; But it still comes down to faith. I mean think about it - positivity comes from faith and faith is essentially the absence of fear. Therefore negativity is the opposite of faith because it is based solely in fear. Of Course it is definitely important to have conscious direction as to what we want our lives. It is to faith helps us to trust & to see the opportunities in our lives. Faith allows us to have the ability to open our eyes to our lives and not to barage ourselves with the incessant questions of "what if... (insert negative thought here)?" But faith in itself, for want of a better phrase, is a constant battle. It's not something that necessarily comes easy to all of us and I know myself it is something that I find difficult to maintain. The reason why faith is so important because without faith these tools of the conscious mind maybe lead askew. I mean there's no benefit to "following the signs" if you're living in constant anxiety as to whether you are following the right signs or what will happen if you don't follow a sign... The anxiety of what if It sounds totally naff but I am starting to see that with faith comes love and acceptance of not only the world around you and the people in it but of yourself; That is the most difficult thing that I've been Trying to master over the 29 years of my life thus far So as I follow my feet and critically analyse and accept the things that happened and come into my life I know that is God that brings this to me. I know that it is God that will shine a light in times of darkness and will provide the guidance if I cannot trust my instincts to know what is the right direction to take.

Teenage Angst approaching 30?

It is a horrible feeling when you wake up in the morning and realize that you live in a constant state of angst and loathing. I mean it took three changes of clothes, the brightest pink eye shadow I could find and overcoming a moment of depressed despair "you can't pull this off (i.e.: you're fat) and you know it" to be to a place of approval of myself. Deep breath in, split second appreciation and *sigh* now back to address everything else that I loath about myself.

Honestly a former version of me is disgusted with myself (which is probably just another projection of guilt and loathing) "You were never like this; well you got past this anyway. You stopped talking to yourself like this, stopped abusing your body..."

Sorry to interrupt the diatribe but I just had news flash of truth - "you were drinking when you were happy". Funny shit - who would have thought that when I wasn't drinking alcohol, was eating healthy food and vigorously exercising daily that it made a difference to my mental state.

But truly, sarcasim and negativity aside, healthy body = healthy mind. It sounds uncool to say it but it is true. Damn. The simple truths (which will lead to what I ultimately desire) seems to warrant the most monumental amount of change. Now on to do something about it.

And who said writing never set you free - thank you Lord for the medium and revelations. Moreover thank you for the gift of insight that comes with acknowledging yourself in whatever form it is and being able to accept the honesty that you heart is willing to give when you are willing to listen.

Something in discipline

There is something in discipline... and prayer - two things I never saw myself subscribing to when I was 18 (or even 25). But there is. It is like the 5 year old's realisation that "I shouldn't touch that hot plate because it will burn me". It is just a plain simple truth that no matter how much you protest or try and resist it, it doesn't matter because truth is truth. Unlike people, truth doesn't care if it is accepted; but just like accepting that fire = hot, accepting the truth that discipline and prayer have a place in our lives makes living a whole lot easier.

That small acceptance has been creeping up on me for the last few months. And I have been resisting that truth moment of realization so that real change didn't have to occur. I mean, honestly God didn't create us who in turn created Beer if it wasn't meant to be part of a balanced weight loss regime? And the same for potato chips, chocolate and (my favourite) cheese. (honestly if there was a way to cut out the middle man and inject cheese straight into my veins, I would strongly consider it).

But alas the simple truth dawned when I was minding my own business, walking to the train "To lose weight you need to exercise... a lot; to maintain the way you want to look, you need to exercise... a lot (oh wait it gets better); sitting on my arse drinking cheese and eating Beer (you heard me) will undo the "a lot of exercise" and will give me an opposite outcome to what I want; and (the grand finale) it is the reason I got to to need for a lot of exercise followed by another serving of exercise.

Damn

After that truth had punched me in my soft and somewhat flabby underbelly, there came the small little truths doing damage control " You know you feel better physically and emotionally when you live this way" "it for your own good" "the results you want ARE achievable"... and so on.

And then after feeling a little sorry for myself and mourning the loss of my close friend cheese, another truth came up and gently tapped me on the shoulder "You don't have to do this alone". The power of prayer, the humility to just ask for help can and will do amazing things.

Amen to that.

The same again thanks

So here it is again, a period of sobriety. There is no philantropic reasons or humanitarian health message. It is purely simple. I want to lose weight.

Argh - I hate that sentenance. Maybe it is better to say that I want be healthier, fitter, stronger... all of which is true. But those thoughts do no go through my mind when I jump on the scales.

So it's simple - I go to the gym at lest 5 days a weeks, up to 2 - 2 1/2 hours per day (thanks max ;) ) I drink heaps of water, I eat healthy... but the weight is not shifting. Sure it sways up and down 2 kgs but it is not moving.

My powers of deduction tell me it is the one thing that in all honesty I would prefer it wasn't - alcohol. My bedfellow for many a year, it is time to kick you out of bed... for a little while at least.

Alcohol = empty calories. Hang over = hunger for Sh!t food, less motivation for exercise and generally kick starts the cycle of self loathing on Monday morning where alcohol's kiss lingers still but the scales let me know with no uncertainty that it is not the only thing that lingers. Damn.

So I am tying a modest period of sobriety 28 February 2012 - 28 April 2012 until My Birthday. So this is day 1. I will spare you the down to the minute commentary but I will see you on the other side, hopefully a little lighter :)

Almost Self Pity

I can tell you right now that this blog was going to be a whole lot different. There was going to be a strong flavour of self loathing, a hint of dismay and hopelessness with overtones of both disgust and dismay.

Funny how talking to someone, even as uncomfortable and almost stingily painful it can feel, can change everything. Even the tone of a simple story such as this.

Forever I have been trying to lost weight, probably since I was 15. On one occasion I was extremely successful and lost 20kg. I didn't know at the time that it was a grief stricken response to the events at my life. But even when I got to 58 kg (and with my work colleagues and family worried) I was still finding fault. I still wasn't perfect.

So this morning, like many before it, I woke in dismay. I hated my body. I hated my self sabotaging ways that destroy my efforts. I hated my lack of discipline. (Editors note: that passage was actually written in the present tense, but it was changed as I know that an attitude like that is not going to help me one iota).

There were some simply truths lurking beneath that self-pity but it took a short but painful talk with Liam for them to come to the surface. They were not conclusions that we had come to together. They were small, simple, clear thoughts that were able to come through after I dumped a little of the baggage that I carry.

Things in life appear rarely simple but in every sense in they are simple. And some of the most simple concepts turned out to be a bit more complicated that first thought. But in the end they are simple - it is changing ourselves that is the complicated part.

So simply, I have never really committed to the cause. By George, I have lusted for it, wept about it, obsessed and dreamed about it. But I have never made the commitment to make it happen. Problem number one.

Which flows like a river into problem number 2 - no commitment makes discipline very difficult. Exercise and healthy eating is the most simple and effective way to maintain health and fitness - and remove excess weight. But it requires determination to overcoming the programming in our heads that a healthy lifestyle is hard. Problem number 2.

And this flows onto emotional responses of pity, self loathing, despair, anger etc - all self serving but self defeating emotions because results are not as forthcoming as I outright demand they be (another perception issue that is not helping the cause). And with those emotions, for me, come self defeating conduct like emotional eating and drinking - the anti-christ of weight loss.

And so the cycle continues...

But the most shiny outcome of my discussion with Liam was that I need some help; and acknowledging that there is nothing wrong in seek help out. Discipline, motivation and commitment are bolstered by encouragement.

So like Richard Branson said "Screw it, just do it".