There is a cold emptiness that can only be found in honesty. Sure it is better that the burning house of fearing and loathing when a secret is harboured and kept from the light.
But the duality of honesty is a burden beared for the privilege of a having a free heart liberated by truth.
On one side there is the naked back ready to take the lashes administered at will, knowing that each is payment for the wrong that you have done. The other side is the pure unknowing of when your penitence will end. And all of this is wrapped up in the knowledge that despite the pain and uncertainty, you must endure it for the pain that you have caused is greater than you can imagine.
So you wait...
The other option is to forfeit your love and leave, cowering away from your obligations to do what is right. But this is not something I cannot do nor would I suggest.
So again I wait...
The lashes I can take and accept with humility, affirming that they are justified in their administration. But it is the lost of trust that feels like it kicks me in the stomach every time. Will each lash bring me a step closer? Will each bout of silent anger; brooding; give me another brick to rebuild the house of trust in which we once lived? Or (which is my greatest fear) is what I have done so unforgivable that trust will not be something that I am afforded again? Then is love not a union but a prison where it is lesser of two evils to bearing the pain of betrayal then to bear the pain of walking away?
Either way, this is not a decision that I have any control over. I just pray with all my heart that whatever is right and healing will happening, even if it means me losing it all.
And so, again, I wait.
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