Maybe I could write lists. Maybe I could write drafts of things rather than thoughts spewed out onto a page. Maybe I could plan things. That looks like a wonderful thing – planning. I was wrote it off as something that boring people do. Things that are done by people that lack spontaneity; spunk. But I look at my partner, with sheets of notes, sitting in front of a computer finally starting to compose thoughts into a finer form, concepts having come from a place where thoughts were incubated first. And it occurred to me that maybe planning or being able to plan could be something wonderful.
Just imagine what could happen if you actually planned something. You might actually have the sunscreen you need when you got to the beach, rather than having to buy it later. You may actually have all the underwear that you require for extended periods that you are away from your dresser draw. Maybe just maybe, you would have could have a moment of solitude two to three steps into a journey and breathe easy because you have everything that you need to take the next step... and the one that follows that.
But also there is that something amazing like a tender yet firm succession of kisses that come out of the blue when you are in the midst of planning something. I guess that there is a balance to it all. It is the “something” in the solitude; the nurtured comfort of having at least thought of what you may need to allows the simple pleasure of enjoying the moments were serendipity brings something beautiful to your life.
I think that I have spent too much time not thinking ahead that I spend so much time thinking all the time. What’s happening now, what do I need to do next, have I done everything I need to do now, what do I need to do to fix the things that I have missed by flying at the seat of my pants?
It is a travesty when I am sharing a kiss with my love that my mind still continues to spin – what am I doing after this? Do I have everything for dinner? Do I need to go to shops? It’s not like I am not enjoying what I am doing in the moment that I need to keep my mind busy. It’s the pure fact that I never slow my mind enough to ask simple questions of preparation which could ease the machine gun fire of reactive thinking.
So... I have decided to think slowly and let’s see where that takes me – I think probably to a place of less stress.
And that could be something wonderful.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Monday, October 10, 2011
Fish or Fancy?
Sometimes there are weird relevations that we have... a recent one of mine was when I was making a salami and fetta quiche... and watching our fish, bummpy.
I remember the first time I met bummpy. She was timid and shy, hiding in a rock cave adnorned with flowing and ebbing sheeves of moss. She wouldn't come out to say hello, she won't respond to my advances. But she was there and so was I...
And she was a creature in the care of the man that I would come to love and I too craved his attention.
Bumpy soon started to come out of her cave.. and attack the glass where I was. Being a territorial fish, it appeared that I was invading her space - her tank and the area surronding the man who cared for her. Maybe she was right, but at the time I just wanted to win her over
But as time went on, the attacks lessened and soon Bummpy was coming to the glass at the sound of my voice. She would dance with me as I grooved in front of her tank, she would dart around in excitment when I sang to her.
The realisation that occured to me was not what it took to win over a fish. Like any animal or even plant on this planet, love will win over anything, given time. What I realised was the motivation.
I looked at Bummpy vying for my attention as I was cooking away and realised that I have had little time for her lately. Sure I feed her, but Liam does that most of the time. I say hello at least once every day, or every two days, but spend less than 30 second with her.
What I realised that I was seeking to secure the love of the man that I was growing to love, and through a creature in its care that has his love. And now that I no longer need to seek the "master's" love, did my love wither for Bummpy without the need? And if so, what type of person does that make me?
Sure you are thinking - it is a fish. But Liam also has a son. And now I love Jakob like my own and certainly wish that he was with me more often. But was the intial motive unpure? That maybe subconsciously I thought that the love of the son would be followed by the father?
Honestly, I know it was probably not that severe, but I knew when I sat in my car for 30 minutes before be able to drive and meet Jakob for the first time that I knew that if he hated me, there was no future.
What I know know is that I love Jakob, with no reservations, with an aching longing that is ever hampered by unnecessary and hurtful remarks but someone that will remained unmentioned...yet seeks my introduction
Luckily for me, Liam loved me from the movement I met him, and before I was able to face the fact that I was able to love again. But it makes you think sometimes - what is the motivations for the way that I act and are the affections I seek always from the person that I seek them from... or to secure the love/affection/praise/attention of another.
I remember the first time I met bummpy. She was timid and shy, hiding in a rock cave adnorned with flowing and ebbing sheeves of moss. She wouldn't come out to say hello, she won't respond to my advances. But she was there and so was I...
And she was a creature in the care of the man that I would come to love and I too craved his attention.
Bumpy soon started to come out of her cave.. and attack the glass where I was. Being a territorial fish, it appeared that I was invading her space - her tank and the area surronding the man who cared for her. Maybe she was right, but at the time I just wanted to win her over
But as time went on, the attacks lessened and soon Bummpy was coming to the glass at the sound of my voice. She would dance with me as I grooved in front of her tank, she would dart around in excitment when I sang to her.
The realisation that occured to me was not what it took to win over a fish. Like any animal or even plant on this planet, love will win over anything, given time. What I realised was the motivation.
I looked at Bummpy vying for my attention as I was cooking away and realised that I have had little time for her lately. Sure I feed her, but Liam does that most of the time. I say hello at least once every day, or every two days, but spend less than 30 second with her.
What I realised that I was seeking to secure the love of the man that I was growing to love, and through a creature in its care that has his love. And now that I no longer need to seek the "master's" love, did my love wither for Bummpy without the need? And if so, what type of person does that make me?
Sure you are thinking - it is a fish. But Liam also has a son. And now I love Jakob like my own and certainly wish that he was with me more often. But was the intial motive unpure? That maybe subconsciously I thought that the love of the son would be followed by the father?
Honestly, I know it was probably not that severe, but I knew when I sat in my car for 30 minutes before be able to drive and meet Jakob for the first time that I knew that if he hated me, there was no future.
What I know know is that I love Jakob, with no reservations, with an aching longing that is ever hampered by unnecessary and hurtful remarks but someone that will remained unmentioned...yet seeks my introduction
Luckily for me, Liam loved me from the movement I met him, and before I was able to face the fact that I was able to love again. But it makes you think sometimes - what is the motivations for the way that I act and are the affections I seek always from the person that I seek them from... or to secure the love/affection/praise/attention of another.
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