There is something in discipline... and prayer - two things I never saw myself subscribing to when I was 18 (or even 25). But there is. It is like the 5 year old's realisation that "I shouldn't touch that hot plate because it will burn me". It is just a plain simple truth that no matter how much you protest or try and resist it, it doesn't matter because truth is truth. Unlike people, truth doesn't care if it is accepted; but just like accepting that fire = hot, accepting the truth that discipline and prayer have a place in our lives makes living a whole lot easier.
That small acceptance has been creeping up on me for the last few months. And I have been resisting that truth moment of realization so that real change didn't have to occur. I mean, honestly God didn't create us who in turn created Beer if it wasn't meant to be part of a balanced weight loss regime? And the same for potato chips, chocolate and (my favourite) cheese. (honestly if there was a way to cut out the middle man and inject cheese straight into my veins, I would strongly consider it).
But alas the simple truth dawned when I was minding my own business, walking to the train "To lose weight you need to exercise... a lot; to maintain the way you want to look, you need to exercise... a lot (oh wait it gets better); sitting on my arse drinking cheese and eating Beer (you heard me) will undo the "a lot of exercise" and will give me an opposite outcome to what I want; and (the grand finale) it is the reason I got to to need for a lot of exercise followed by another serving of exercise.
Damn
After that truth had punched me in my soft and somewhat flabby underbelly, there came the small little truths doing damage control " You know you feel better physically and emotionally when you live this way" "it for your own good" "the results you want ARE achievable"... and so on.
And then after feeling a little sorry for myself and mourning the loss of my close friend cheese, another truth came up and gently tapped me on the shoulder "You don't have to do this alone". The power of prayer, the humility to just ask for help can and will do amazing things.
Amen to that.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
The same again thanks
So here it is again, a period of sobriety. There is no philantropic reasons or humanitarian health message. It is purely simple. I want to lose weight.
Argh - I hate that sentenance. Maybe it is better to say that I want be healthier, fitter, stronger... all of which is true. But those thoughts do no go through my mind when I jump on the scales.
So it's simple - I go to the gym at lest 5 days a weeks, up to 2 - 2 1/2 hours per day (thanks max ;) ) I drink heaps of water, I eat healthy... but the weight is not shifting. Sure it sways up and down 2 kgs but it is not moving.
My powers of deduction tell me it is the one thing that in all honesty I would prefer it wasn't - alcohol. My bedfellow for many a year, it is time to kick you out of bed... for a little while at least.
Alcohol = empty calories. Hang over = hunger for Sh!t food, less motivation for exercise and generally kick starts the cycle of self loathing on Monday morning where alcohol's kiss lingers still but the scales let me know with no uncertainty that it is not the only thing that lingers. Damn.
So I am tying a modest period of sobriety 28 February 2012 - 28 April 2012 until My Birthday. So this is day 1. I will spare you the down to the minute commentary but I will see you on the other side, hopefully a little lighter :)
Argh - I hate that sentenance. Maybe it is better to say that I want be healthier, fitter, stronger... all of which is true. But those thoughts do no go through my mind when I jump on the scales.
So it's simple - I go to the gym at lest 5 days a weeks, up to 2 - 2 1/2 hours per day (thanks max ;) ) I drink heaps of water, I eat healthy... but the weight is not shifting. Sure it sways up and down 2 kgs but it is not moving.
My powers of deduction tell me it is the one thing that in all honesty I would prefer it wasn't - alcohol. My bedfellow for many a year, it is time to kick you out of bed... for a little while at least.
Alcohol = empty calories. Hang over = hunger for Sh!t food, less motivation for exercise and generally kick starts the cycle of self loathing on Monday morning where alcohol's kiss lingers still but the scales let me know with no uncertainty that it is not the only thing that lingers. Damn.
So I am tying a modest period of sobriety 28 February 2012 - 28 April 2012 until My Birthday. So this is day 1. I will spare you the down to the minute commentary but I will see you on the other side, hopefully a little lighter :)
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Almost Self Pity
I can tell you right now that this blog was going to be a whole lot different. There was going to be a strong flavour of self loathing, a hint of dismay and hopelessness with overtones of both disgust and dismay.
Funny how talking to someone, even as uncomfortable and almost stingily painful it can feel, can change everything. Even the tone of a simple story such as this.
Forever I have been trying to lost weight, probably since I was 15. On one occasion I was extremely successful and lost 20kg. I didn't know at the time that it was a grief stricken response to the events at my life. But even when I got to 58 kg (and with my work colleagues and family worried) I was still finding fault. I still wasn't perfect.
So this morning, like many before it, I woke in dismay. I hated my body. I hated my self sabotaging ways that destroy my efforts. I hated my lack of discipline. (Editors note: that passage was actually written in the present tense, but it was changed as I know that an attitude like that is not going to help me one iota).
There were some simply truths lurking beneath that self-pity but it took a short but painful talk with Liam for them to come to the surface. They were not conclusions that we had come to together. They were small, simple, clear thoughts that were able to come through after I dumped a little of the baggage that I carry.
Things in life appear rarely simple but in every sense in they are simple. And some of the most simple concepts turned out to be a bit more complicated that first thought. But in the end they are simple - it is changing ourselves that is the complicated part.
So simply, I have never really committed to the cause. By George, I have lusted for it, wept about it, obsessed and dreamed about it. But I have never made the commitment to make it happen. Problem number one.
Which flows like a river into problem number 2 - no commitment makes discipline very difficult. Exercise and healthy eating is the most simple and effective way to maintain health and fitness - and remove excess weight. But it requires determination to overcoming the programming in our heads that a healthy lifestyle is hard. Problem number 2.
And this flows onto emotional responses of pity, self loathing, despair, anger etc - all self serving but self defeating emotions because results are not as forthcoming as I outright demand they be (another perception issue that is not helping the cause). And with those emotions, for me, come self defeating conduct like emotional eating and drinking - the anti-christ of weight loss.
And so the cycle continues...
But the most shiny outcome of my discussion with Liam was that I need some help; and acknowledging that there is nothing wrong in seek help out. Discipline, motivation and commitment are bolstered by encouragement.
So like Richard Branson said "Screw it, just do it".
Funny how talking to someone, even as uncomfortable and almost stingily painful it can feel, can change everything. Even the tone of a simple story such as this.
Forever I have been trying to lost weight, probably since I was 15. On one occasion I was extremely successful and lost 20kg. I didn't know at the time that it was a grief stricken response to the events at my life. But even when I got to 58 kg (and with my work colleagues and family worried) I was still finding fault. I still wasn't perfect.
So this morning, like many before it, I woke in dismay. I hated my body. I hated my self sabotaging ways that destroy my efforts. I hated my lack of discipline. (Editors note: that passage was actually written in the present tense, but it was changed as I know that an attitude like that is not going to help me one iota).
There were some simply truths lurking beneath that self-pity but it took a short but painful talk with Liam for them to come to the surface. They were not conclusions that we had come to together. They were small, simple, clear thoughts that were able to come through after I dumped a little of the baggage that I carry.
Things in life appear rarely simple but in every sense in they are simple. And some of the most simple concepts turned out to be a bit more complicated that first thought. But in the end they are simple - it is changing ourselves that is the complicated part.
So simply, I have never really committed to the cause. By George, I have lusted for it, wept about it, obsessed and dreamed about it. But I have never made the commitment to make it happen. Problem number one.
Which flows like a river into problem number 2 - no commitment makes discipline very difficult. Exercise and healthy eating is the most simple and effective way to maintain health and fitness - and remove excess weight. But it requires determination to overcoming the programming in our heads that a healthy lifestyle is hard. Problem number 2.
And this flows onto emotional responses of pity, self loathing, despair, anger etc - all self serving but self defeating emotions because results are not as forthcoming as I outright demand they be (another perception issue that is not helping the cause). And with those emotions, for me, come self defeating conduct like emotional eating and drinking - the anti-christ of weight loss.
And so the cycle continues...
But the most shiny outcome of my discussion with Liam was that I need some help; and acknowledging that there is nothing wrong in seek help out. Discipline, motivation and commitment are bolstered by encouragement.
So like Richard Branson said "Screw it, just do it".
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Dear Mr/Mrs/Master/Dr/Prof/Capt etc Rain
My dear sweet fiancee asked me to do whatever makes me happy and not to focus so much on making him happy. To get the ball rolling, Liam asked that I wrote something to the rain.
"Can it be about the rain?"
"No, it must be to the rain"
"What if I don't fell like writing to the rain?"
"You must write it to the rain"
"What if I don't feel like writing at all? What if I would prefer to do an extended yoga session and that would make me happy"
"For me, can you please write something to the rain"
So essentially what my darling fiance was asking me not focus on him but myself and to do so I should write something at his request on the subject of his choosing...
Don't worry, I brought the contradict of his request to his attention and I was already feeling decidedly shifty as we were in bed, I was tired and my sinus felt like it was blocked with cheese.
But that little seed settled in my brain that night; throughout the day and wouldn't you know it - he was right. Making yourself happy simply equates to looking after yourself and enjoying the moment while you do it - if you can.
So I got myself ready for work rather than racing around like a mother with seven children. I was able to take the time to straighten my hair the way I like, do some yoga and generally ease in to the morning. And to reward my efforts, I was made scrambled eggs with wilted spinach atop soy and linseed bread - yum!
The funny thing I realised (besides that fact that the day I decided to take the time to straighten my hair properly, I get caught in the rain) was that I had raced around making breakfast, making Liam's lunch etc because I ignorantly thought that he could not do it without me.
But lo and behold, not only was he up showered and dressed, he had made an amazing breakfast for me. It shows that not only do I need to take more time for myself but I also need to give the man a little credit. Liam functioned quite well before I came on the scene and while it's nice to have someone look after you, it doesn't remove that fact he is a fully functioning adult.
So today, I did what made myself happy - without beating myself up for the things I should be doing. And you guessed it again - Liam was right (yes I know that it must be amazing for male readers out there to hear a woman not only say that her man was right, but to say it multiple times) - there is and needs to be a balance.
Instead of kicking myself for not going to spin class because I had urgent submissions to write, I didn't care. After work, I worked out for 2 hours at the gym doing weights and body balance. Yet because I let it go, it came back to me - my cardio this evening was getting home at 8.30pm, realising that Liam had my car and that the shops closed at 9pm. So I ran to the shops and made it there and did my shopping with plenty of time to spare.
Balance, it's a curious thing, it is not something that can be controlled by strict regime but also must be controlled in a sense that you must consciously choose what it right in any given moment of time. And it is not your mind that will tell you - its your body. If you feel peaceful about a decision rather than angst or any intense emotion really, you are on the right track. Like when you eat something really healthy which you enjoy and your body says "My god, I love you, I needed that sooooooooooooo much"
And by the way, had the most amazing shower after my gym, my run and my walk home laden with groceries. I did something that I never do - I just had a shower. I wasn't planning the next five minutes or thinking about all the things that needed to be done in the future or what I had failed to do the past. I just had a shower; and it was great
So, dear Mr/Mrs/Master/Dr/Prof etc Rain, thank you for your attention and allowing me to write about a concept which you are most likely not only aware but are in a constant state of.
All my Love and Best Wishes
Tahnee
"Can it be about the rain?"
"No, it must be to the rain"
"What if I don't fell like writing to the rain?"
"You must write it to the rain"
"What if I don't feel like writing at all? What if I would prefer to do an extended yoga session and that would make me happy"
"For me, can you please write something to the rain"
So essentially what my darling fiance was asking me not focus on him but myself and to do so I should write something at his request on the subject of his choosing...
Don't worry, I brought the contradict of his request to his attention and I was already feeling decidedly shifty as we were in bed, I was tired and my sinus felt like it was blocked with cheese.
But that little seed settled in my brain that night; throughout the day and wouldn't you know it - he was right. Making yourself happy simply equates to looking after yourself and enjoying the moment while you do it - if you can.
So I got myself ready for work rather than racing around like a mother with seven children. I was able to take the time to straighten my hair the way I like, do some yoga and generally ease in to the morning. And to reward my efforts, I was made scrambled eggs with wilted spinach atop soy and linseed bread - yum!
The funny thing I realised (besides that fact that the day I decided to take the time to straighten my hair properly, I get caught in the rain) was that I had raced around making breakfast, making Liam's lunch etc because I ignorantly thought that he could not do it without me.
But lo and behold, not only was he up showered and dressed, he had made an amazing breakfast for me. It shows that not only do I need to take more time for myself but I also need to give the man a little credit. Liam functioned quite well before I came on the scene and while it's nice to have someone look after you, it doesn't remove that fact he is a fully functioning adult.
So today, I did what made myself happy - without beating myself up for the things I should be doing. And you guessed it again - Liam was right (yes I know that it must be amazing for male readers out there to hear a woman not only say that her man was right, but to say it multiple times) - there is and needs to be a balance.
Instead of kicking myself for not going to spin class because I had urgent submissions to write, I didn't care. After work, I worked out for 2 hours at the gym doing weights and body balance. Yet because I let it go, it came back to me - my cardio this evening was getting home at 8.30pm, realising that Liam had my car and that the shops closed at 9pm. So I ran to the shops and made it there and did my shopping with plenty of time to spare.
Balance, it's a curious thing, it is not something that can be controlled by strict regime but also must be controlled in a sense that you must consciously choose what it right in any given moment of time. And it is not your mind that will tell you - its your body. If you feel peaceful about a decision rather than angst or any intense emotion really, you are on the right track. Like when you eat something really healthy which you enjoy and your body says "My god, I love you, I needed that sooooooooooooo much"
And by the way, had the most amazing shower after my gym, my run and my walk home laden with groceries. I did something that I never do - I just had a shower. I wasn't planning the next five minutes or thinking about all the things that needed to be done in the future or what I had failed to do the past. I just had a shower; and it was great
So, dear Mr/Mrs/Master/Dr/Prof etc Rain, thank you for your attention and allowing me to write about a concept which you are most likely not only aware but are in a constant state of.
All my Love and Best Wishes
Tahnee
Friday, November 25, 2011
Forgiven Not Forgotten
There is a cold emptiness that can only be found in honesty. Sure it is better that the burning house of fearing and loathing when a secret is harboured and kept from the light.
But the duality of honesty is a burden beared for the privilege of a having a free heart liberated by truth.
On one side there is the naked back ready to take the lashes administered at will, knowing that each is payment for the wrong that you have done. The other side is the pure unknowing of when your penitence will end. And all of this is wrapped up in the knowledge that despite the pain and uncertainty, you must endure it for the pain that you have caused is greater than you can imagine.
So you wait...
The other option is to forfeit your love and leave, cowering away from your obligations to do what is right. But this is not something I cannot do nor would I suggest.
So again I wait...
The lashes I can take and accept with humility, affirming that they are justified in their administration. But it is the lost of trust that feels like it kicks me in the stomach every time. Will each lash bring me a step closer? Will each bout of silent anger; brooding; give me another brick to rebuild the house of trust in which we once lived? Or (which is my greatest fear) is what I have done so unforgivable that trust will not be something that I am afforded again? Then is love not a union but a prison where it is lesser of two evils to bearing the pain of betrayal then to bear the pain of walking away?
Either way, this is not a decision that I have any control over. I just pray with all my heart that whatever is right and healing will happening, even if it means me losing it all.
And so, again, I wait.
But the duality of honesty is a burden beared for the privilege of a having a free heart liberated by truth.
On one side there is the naked back ready to take the lashes administered at will, knowing that each is payment for the wrong that you have done. The other side is the pure unknowing of when your penitence will end. And all of this is wrapped up in the knowledge that despite the pain and uncertainty, you must endure it for the pain that you have caused is greater than you can imagine.
So you wait...
The other option is to forfeit your love and leave, cowering away from your obligations to do what is right. But this is not something I cannot do nor would I suggest.
So again I wait...
The lashes I can take and accept with humility, affirming that they are justified in their administration. But it is the lost of trust that feels like it kicks me in the stomach every time. Will each lash bring me a step closer? Will each bout of silent anger; brooding; give me another brick to rebuild the house of trust in which we once lived? Or (which is my greatest fear) is what I have done so unforgivable that trust will not be something that I am afforded again? Then is love not a union but a prison where it is lesser of two evils to bearing the pain of betrayal then to bear the pain of walking away?
Either way, this is not a decision that I have any control over. I just pray with all my heart that whatever is right and healing will happening, even if it means me losing it all.
And so, again, I wait.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Wait for it... I am planning a perfect constructed title
Maybe I could write lists. Maybe I could write drafts of things rather than thoughts spewed out onto a page. Maybe I could plan things. That looks like a wonderful thing – planning. I was wrote it off as something that boring people do. Things that are done by people that lack spontaneity; spunk. But I look at my partner, with sheets of notes, sitting in front of a computer finally starting to compose thoughts into a finer form, concepts having come from a place where thoughts were incubated first. And it occurred to me that maybe planning or being able to plan could be something wonderful.
Just imagine what could happen if you actually planned something. You might actually have the sunscreen you need when you got to the beach, rather than having to buy it later. You may actually have all the underwear that you require for extended periods that you are away from your dresser draw. Maybe just maybe, you would have could have a moment of solitude two to three steps into a journey and breathe easy because you have everything that you need to take the next step... and the one that follows that.
But also there is that something amazing like a tender yet firm succession of kisses that come out of the blue when you are in the midst of planning something. I guess that there is a balance to it all. It is the “something” in the solitude; the nurtured comfort of having at least thought of what you may need to allows the simple pleasure of enjoying the moments were serendipity brings something beautiful to your life.
I think that I have spent too much time not thinking ahead that I spend so much time thinking all the time. What’s happening now, what do I need to do next, have I done everything I need to do now, what do I need to do to fix the things that I have missed by flying at the seat of my pants?
It is a travesty when I am sharing a kiss with my love that my mind still continues to spin – what am I doing after this? Do I have everything for dinner? Do I need to go to shops? It’s not like I am not enjoying what I am doing in the moment that I need to keep my mind busy. It’s the pure fact that I never slow my mind enough to ask simple questions of preparation which could ease the machine gun fire of reactive thinking.
So... I have decided to think slowly and let’s see where that takes me – I think probably to a place of less stress.
And that could be something wonderful.
Just imagine what could happen if you actually planned something. You might actually have the sunscreen you need when you got to the beach, rather than having to buy it later. You may actually have all the underwear that you require for extended periods that you are away from your dresser draw. Maybe just maybe, you would have could have a moment of solitude two to three steps into a journey and breathe easy because you have everything that you need to take the next step... and the one that follows that.
But also there is that something amazing like a tender yet firm succession of kisses that come out of the blue when you are in the midst of planning something. I guess that there is a balance to it all. It is the “something” in the solitude; the nurtured comfort of having at least thought of what you may need to allows the simple pleasure of enjoying the moments were serendipity brings something beautiful to your life.
I think that I have spent too much time not thinking ahead that I spend so much time thinking all the time. What’s happening now, what do I need to do next, have I done everything I need to do now, what do I need to do to fix the things that I have missed by flying at the seat of my pants?
It is a travesty when I am sharing a kiss with my love that my mind still continues to spin – what am I doing after this? Do I have everything for dinner? Do I need to go to shops? It’s not like I am not enjoying what I am doing in the moment that I need to keep my mind busy. It’s the pure fact that I never slow my mind enough to ask simple questions of preparation which could ease the machine gun fire of reactive thinking.
So... I have decided to think slowly and let’s see where that takes me – I think probably to a place of less stress.
And that could be something wonderful.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Fish or Fancy?
Sometimes there are weird relevations that we have... a recent one of mine was when I was making a salami and fetta quiche... and watching our fish, bummpy.
I remember the first time I met bummpy. She was timid and shy, hiding in a rock cave adnorned with flowing and ebbing sheeves of moss. She wouldn't come out to say hello, she won't respond to my advances. But she was there and so was I...
And she was a creature in the care of the man that I would come to love and I too craved his attention.
Bumpy soon started to come out of her cave.. and attack the glass where I was. Being a territorial fish, it appeared that I was invading her space - her tank and the area surronding the man who cared for her. Maybe she was right, but at the time I just wanted to win her over
But as time went on, the attacks lessened and soon Bummpy was coming to the glass at the sound of my voice. She would dance with me as I grooved in front of her tank, she would dart around in excitment when I sang to her.
The realisation that occured to me was not what it took to win over a fish. Like any animal or even plant on this planet, love will win over anything, given time. What I realised was the motivation.
I looked at Bummpy vying for my attention as I was cooking away and realised that I have had little time for her lately. Sure I feed her, but Liam does that most of the time. I say hello at least once every day, or every two days, but spend less than 30 second with her.
What I realised that I was seeking to secure the love of the man that I was growing to love, and through a creature in its care that has his love. And now that I no longer need to seek the "master's" love, did my love wither for Bummpy without the need? And if so, what type of person does that make me?
Sure you are thinking - it is a fish. But Liam also has a son. And now I love Jakob like my own and certainly wish that he was with me more often. But was the intial motive unpure? That maybe subconsciously I thought that the love of the son would be followed by the father?
Honestly, I know it was probably not that severe, but I knew when I sat in my car for 30 minutes before be able to drive and meet Jakob for the first time that I knew that if he hated me, there was no future.
What I know know is that I love Jakob, with no reservations, with an aching longing that is ever hampered by unnecessary and hurtful remarks but someone that will remained unmentioned...yet seeks my introduction
Luckily for me, Liam loved me from the movement I met him, and before I was able to face the fact that I was able to love again. But it makes you think sometimes - what is the motivations for the way that I act and are the affections I seek always from the person that I seek them from... or to secure the love/affection/praise/attention of another.
I remember the first time I met bummpy. She was timid and shy, hiding in a rock cave adnorned with flowing and ebbing sheeves of moss. She wouldn't come out to say hello, she won't respond to my advances. But she was there and so was I...
And she was a creature in the care of the man that I would come to love and I too craved his attention.
Bumpy soon started to come out of her cave.. and attack the glass where I was. Being a territorial fish, it appeared that I was invading her space - her tank and the area surronding the man who cared for her. Maybe she was right, but at the time I just wanted to win her over
But as time went on, the attacks lessened and soon Bummpy was coming to the glass at the sound of my voice. She would dance with me as I grooved in front of her tank, she would dart around in excitment when I sang to her.
The realisation that occured to me was not what it took to win over a fish. Like any animal or even plant on this planet, love will win over anything, given time. What I realised was the motivation.
I looked at Bummpy vying for my attention as I was cooking away and realised that I have had little time for her lately. Sure I feed her, but Liam does that most of the time. I say hello at least once every day, or every two days, but spend less than 30 second with her.
What I realised that I was seeking to secure the love of the man that I was growing to love, and through a creature in its care that has his love. And now that I no longer need to seek the "master's" love, did my love wither for Bummpy without the need? And if so, what type of person does that make me?
Sure you are thinking - it is a fish. But Liam also has a son. And now I love Jakob like my own and certainly wish that he was with me more often. But was the intial motive unpure? That maybe subconsciously I thought that the love of the son would be followed by the father?
Honestly, I know it was probably not that severe, but I knew when I sat in my car for 30 minutes before be able to drive and meet Jakob for the first time that I knew that if he hated me, there was no future.
What I know know is that I love Jakob, with no reservations, with an aching longing that is ever hampered by unnecessary and hurtful remarks but someone that will remained unmentioned...yet seeks my introduction
Luckily for me, Liam loved me from the movement I met him, and before I was able to face the fact that I was able to love again. But it makes you think sometimes - what is the motivations for the way that I act and are the affections I seek always from the person that I seek them from... or to secure the love/affection/praise/attention of another.
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