I am captivated, encapsulated, infactuated by the little things. The saddest things is that for the longest time, I never thought they were enough.
Under the dappled sunshine of an afternoon spent by a mandering stream dotted with ducks, cranes and water fowl, I felt the quite joy of being alive. As I watched a wood duck dive into the water with his little bum acting as a buoy each time his head was submerged, I thought I could watch this for hours. I could watch him, I could watch the crane stalk the muddy banks, I could give love and conversation to an old lady that seemed like she hadn't actually been heard in years. I could do all of this and be satisfied.
In those quite moments, special and solitary, where I engage with the world around me, I get the meaning of life. It's not money, though a little more would make my life easier. It's not personal recognition or achievement; its not your car, your watch, your status, your partner's statuts. It is not any of the things that we bend over backwards and break our necks trying to achieve. It is the little things- like ducks' bums.
You see, I have, like many of my human counterparts, being mentally fogged with the preoccupation of comfort. Consumerist desire to attain more, to do less and in turn disconnect from everyone else except for the materialist avatar I leave in my stead; The avatar I work to feed, cloth, program to dance to make the other avatars clap. All the while missing the little things. The things that lets us connect with another human being, the brief moments were souls interwine and say "hey, you know me"
As I walked home from the stream, I though about these little things and my legacy as a human being. I have such grandiose ambitions, empires built on the backs of other people, towers built of money and ruthless ambition so that I can be financially prosperious and THEN be able to help the people I love. Maybe, just maybe when I look down from the wavering heights of my achievements, I will feel validated; satisfied; worthy of the skin I possess?
On this walk, I looked at the two toned wattle blossoms, and saw their beauty even if their decay and thought "I want to be remembered for the little things". The girl that saw beauty in everything. The girl that smiled at everyone she passes, giving a little of her love to any that are willing to receive it. The girl that said she will be there, and without doubt, always was. The girl that held you, loved you and heard you and asked for nothing in return. The girl that relished the little things and the opportunity to be alive.
I know I will achieve a world of things that will make the materially minded envious. I will scale the professional ladder with an ease and flair that will bring both admiration and resentment. But these are not the things that I want to be remembered by. I want to seen for the beauty of my heart, not of my face. I want to be admired for giving my last dollar to someone who needed it more than making my first million. I want more than what I have ever wanted before, yet it is less than what I have set out of achieve.
All I want is to be remembered as the girl that loved
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Fight or Flight?
When it is that we develop our instincts to deal with any given suitation? I mean, really, what precise moment in time is it when we programe ourselves to feel; how to react; how to just deal? The bigger question for me know is how do I erase that program and start fresh?
In this changing life when every day is a new world, my honesty with myself is the only stable part of my life. And honestly, I am watching my ship sinking fast. I am adrift in a new world of ideas, emotion, circumstance, and I hate that I cling so desperately to the sinking ships of the past. The world as I know it is dying. This sounds macabre, but it really is beautiful more than anything. The past is shedding from me like skin. I see an ocean of possibilities; of new experience; a chance to be reprogramed. But as I watch the only things I know sink in this ocean, in the midst of its beauty, I am terrified.
I know that I am capable of change; of loving another with wanton abandon and giving that love to myself. But soometimes I think that I push so hard against my resistance that it becomes steadfast rather than allowing slow growth and consequent release. I am trying to live the adventure, be engaged with the journey and I know the wisdom of this path. It stares glaringly at me, as it has the whole time.
But wisdom is easily seen and difficult to enact. There is something holding me back. There is something that I need to let go of or I will sink with all these ships. I feel like I know exactly what this is, but my waking mind cannot describe it. Whatever it is, I know now that I need to face it, look it squarely in the eye and say I know you. There is nothing I can change, There is nothing I need to do. I just need to find acknowledgement so that this great white elephant can finally leave the room.
All I can do is to take the steps that wisdom suggests and let go of my pride. So for once it my life, I will be brave. Not the courage forced by a blind rush into action, though it has been the catalyst for my learning thus far. I will be brave enough to take one step at a time, allow myself to grow rather than pull myself up my the roots. Otherwise, I will run. Always the flight risk, all my mental programs are screaming run, run like you have never run before. But there is something inseide me that anchors me. I just can't run away more. I have to do this, all of it, everything. I have to allow myself to feel
In this changing life when every day is a new world, my honesty with myself is the only stable part of my life. And honestly, I am watching my ship sinking fast. I am adrift in a new world of ideas, emotion, circumstance, and I hate that I cling so desperately to the sinking ships of the past. The world as I know it is dying. This sounds macabre, but it really is beautiful more than anything. The past is shedding from me like skin. I see an ocean of possibilities; of new experience; a chance to be reprogramed. But as I watch the only things I know sink in this ocean, in the midst of its beauty, I am terrified.
I know that I am capable of change; of loving another with wanton abandon and giving that love to myself. But soometimes I think that I push so hard against my resistance that it becomes steadfast rather than allowing slow growth and consequent release. I am trying to live the adventure, be engaged with the journey and I know the wisdom of this path. It stares glaringly at me, as it has the whole time.
But wisdom is easily seen and difficult to enact. There is something holding me back. There is something that I need to let go of or I will sink with all these ships. I feel like I know exactly what this is, but my waking mind cannot describe it. Whatever it is, I know now that I need to face it, look it squarely in the eye and say I know you. There is nothing I can change, There is nothing I need to do. I just need to find acknowledgement so that this great white elephant can finally leave the room.
All I can do is to take the steps that wisdom suggests and let go of my pride. So for once it my life, I will be brave. Not the courage forced by a blind rush into action, though it has been the catalyst for my learning thus far. I will be brave enough to take one step at a time, allow myself to grow rather than pull myself up my the roots. Otherwise, I will run. Always the flight risk, all my mental programs are screaming run, run like you have never run before. But there is something inseide me that anchors me. I just can't run away more. I have to do this, all of it, everything. I have to allow myself to feel
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Just a thought for for the Legal Purist
Call me simple;
Call me naive;
Call me a lawyer in her infancy, closing her eyes and pushing her fingers deep into her ears because she refuses to believe what she sees. But what is happening to this beautiful entity by which lawyers surrender their integrity, their ambition, their will to by right but the world and in its place justice is born? The institution which I have subscribed, the one to which I will willing give myself in the pursuit of a better world, one case at a time?
What I am is an idealist. I believe in the law; as an institution, as a social regulator, as a mother to a world of unruly children that need both guidance and a firm hand. But my heart pales when her virtue is ever so slowly being stripped away as she climbs into bed with politics, media and business. Strategic maneuvers of vendetta on personal and global fronts, Her guiding hand forced into a fists to strike blows of the cowardly vengeful.
Why is it that increasing costs will give a father a right to his son, when the decency to admit to a web of fabricated lies is not enough? When a advocate will allow bitter malice to manipulate the law into a vice around the hearts of those we can no longer control. When did justice and moral decency take a backseat? Will it ever drive again?
Why is it the media and her wanton ways; disloyal, unfaithful, lustful and flippant- turn the heads of many, propel them to do what is just? For them to purge, to recede, to sing, to dance? And the worse that we accept it? That we watch them lay themselves on the mercy of the court, kneel in legal confessional when they have not the heart to support the conviction of their pleas. Purely forced by the torturous media, pinning their arms behind their back until they scream uncle that bring those words to part. The fact that so may of my fellow advocates allow the worship of such a false idol; allows justice to move to the hands of the media tyrant; watches the law and her majesty fade to a shell of historic formality is what brings shadow into my heart
This world is mourning the loss of valour in man; the humanity, the honour, the dignity and divinity to serve the truth. In a debaucherous world where we would rather serve the harlot media, the vengence of man or the mistress of politics than the law in her virtue, I am lost.
For me, The law is our mother, her arms open and whisper these gentle words to those that still have the ability to hear her:
"Come to me. I will do what is right; by you; by the community for which you are the "I". I may be harsh, but I will be fair. I will weight you by the feather of truth and with the guidance of your peers, you shall be judged.
But know this: If you do not resist me, I will be your guiding light. I will show you the purification of contrition and the salvation to do right by your fellow man. I will give you tangible payment so that your soul may purge this injurious assault.
But if you betray me, and to the depths of your deceit, you will be matched by reciprocal fury. Fore in the end all lessons are the same and must be learned. It is you that chooses the path for which you will be lead"
God give me the grace to bring to life these virtues;
To restore the law to her rightful brilliance;
To return faith and confidence in her to the society of which she is their servant
Call me naive;
Call me a lawyer in her infancy, closing her eyes and pushing her fingers deep into her ears because she refuses to believe what she sees. But what is happening to this beautiful entity by which lawyers surrender their integrity, their ambition, their will to by right but the world and in its place justice is born? The institution which I have subscribed, the one to which I will willing give myself in the pursuit of a better world, one case at a time?
What I am is an idealist. I believe in the law; as an institution, as a social regulator, as a mother to a world of unruly children that need both guidance and a firm hand. But my heart pales when her virtue is ever so slowly being stripped away as she climbs into bed with politics, media and business. Strategic maneuvers of vendetta on personal and global fronts, Her guiding hand forced into a fists to strike blows of the cowardly vengeful.
Why is it that increasing costs will give a father a right to his son, when the decency to admit to a web of fabricated lies is not enough? When a advocate will allow bitter malice to manipulate the law into a vice around the hearts of those we can no longer control. When did justice and moral decency take a backseat? Will it ever drive again?
Why is it the media and her wanton ways; disloyal, unfaithful, lustful and flippant- turn the heads of many, propel them to do what is just? For them to purge, to recede, to sing, to dance? And the worse that we accept it? That we watch them lay themselves on the mercy of the court, kneel in legal confessional when they have not the heart to support the conviction of their pleas. Purely forced by the torturous media, pinning their arms behind their back until they scream uncle that bring those words to part. The fact that so may of my fellow advocates allow the worship of such a false idol; allows justice to move to the hands of the media tyrant; watches the law and her majesty fade to a shell of historic formality is what brings shadow into my heart
This world is mourning the loss of valour in man; the humanity, the honour, the dignity and divinity to serve the truth. In a debaucherous world where we would rather serve the harlot media, the vengence of man or the mistress of politics than the law in her virtue, I am lost.
For me, The law is our mother, her arms open and whisper these gentle words to those that still have the ability to hear her:
"Come to me. I will do what is right; by you; by the community for which you are the "I". I may be harsh, but I will be fair. I will weight you by the feather of truth and with the guidance of your peers, you shall be judged.
But know this: If you do not resist me, I will be your guiding light. I will show you the purification of contrition and the salvation to do right by your fellow man. I will give you tangible payment so that your soul may purge this injurious assault.
But if you betray me, and to the depths of your deceit, you will be matched by reciprocal fury. Fore in the end all lessons are the same and must be learned. It is you that chooses the path for which you will be lead"
God give me the grace to bring to life these virtues;
To restore the law to her rightful brilliance;
To return faith and confidence in her to the society of which she is their servant
Saturday, June 12, 2010
The Last Stand
The blog has been an outpouring of my soul and the opportunity to be honest with myself. I was about to apologise to anyone that reads this (i.e. Charity) but I have to stop apologising for myself and how I feel. This is growth and how I feel is validate. Do I want to feel better? Of course I do. Do i feel somewhat soul destroyed at the moment? Yes I do. And is that feeling valid? for the first time I can give myself a big mental hug and say yes, yes it is.
I have spent a long time lying to myself. About who I am, what I feel and what I want to be. The honesty- I just want to be me and I don't know what that is yet. I am in the transition mode, wafting like smoke between what I was and who I will be, grasping at straws and constantly analysing myself trying to identify what and who exactly I am. But more to the point I have been processing my past and I realise that I have been carrying it around on on my back like an over stuffed duffel bag. I know it is important and I need to peel off all the band-aids that have kept me together and covered all the lessons I needed to learn. The band-aids that covered the aching pain I have willing held onto like a security blanket.
So like everyone else on this planet, I got screwed. I had my heart broken in spectacular fashion and I have covered and belittled it for so long. The pain I feel is valid, my need to hold on to it is not. What scared me more than the pain is the paralysing fear of the unknown. I am trembling but I am ready to change. I am changing. I close my eyes and feel myself moving forward, stepping into the darkness of the unknown worlds. I am petrified but I am here. There is a raging panic and vulnerability that shakes me to my core, but I keeping walking.
Step.... by step..... by step
I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I have been uninspired for such a long time, unhappy with where I am at, But I hold on to the past with rigid fear that I prevented myself from been able to change. I feel my fingers slowly realising their grip, shedding hot burning tears and I watch the years fall from me like tissues in the wind. I am not my past, I am not my future. My failures and achievements will never define me. I am ready for the adventure that life is. I am ready to feel excited by the unknown. I am excited by the little bud of hope that is breaking the surface within me. The beginning of new life that fear, the past and my need to be the victim that have repressed for so long.
And now, I open my eyes. I can see; see the habits I fall into because I am afraid to actually feel something new. The feeding of emotions with food, trying the dull the anxiety that I might fail at everything because... just because. And with these open eyes I take those set forward, repair what needs to be repaired, uncover the wealth of emotion that I have forbidden myself to feel, throwing dusting sheets off a heart I put into storage years ago. Dropping the masks, the acts, the preprogrammed dances I performed to show the world what I think they want to see. So they will accept me. With my heart bursting forth from my chest in heaving beats and life's pumps through it once more, I let "them" go. I accept myself. I accept that I am a mystery to myself and what I find in this new life may scare me. But I am excited by the fact that I might actually like what I find. Might actually already be all the things I have always wanted to be. I might believe in myself
Oh fear, oh beauteous fear
I loved you;
I loathed you;
My heart I had bestowed to
New eyes in which to see
The life that was bereft of me
I have feel the depth of your sorrow
I was the bitter sting;
the cold wind
That swept through your shadow
I am naked
Shivering
But I can suckle at your teet no more
Birthing hope-
Undulating joy by chance elope
Fly forth;
An open envelope...
Past spewed forth now fades
Dulled by the light of new days
Shimmers in the distance
It is infancy; pure
A beacon in which my soul will burn
And through the fire reborn
Like Hope I shall rise:
I am rising; I am risen
Unto myself I am forgiven
Unprise my fingers
Fear once choked, now choked no more
Time once stalled
Ticks on with quiet persistence
Stride forward with courageous resistance
I am not the shadow
I am the light
I have spent a long time lying to myself. About who I am, what I feel and what I want to be. The honesty- I just want to be me and I don't know what that is yet. I am in the transition mode, wafting like smoke between what I was and who I will be, grasping at straws and constantly analysing myself trying to identify what and who exactly I am. But more to the point I have been processing my past and I realise that I have been carrying it around on on my back like an over stuffed duffel bag. I know it is important and I need to peel off all the band-aids that have kept me together and covered all the lessons I needed to learn. The band-aids that covered the aching pain I have willing held onto like a security blanket.
So like everyone else on this planet, I got screwed. I had my heart broken in spectacular fashion and I have covered and belittled it for so long. The pain I feel is valid, my need to hold on to it is not. What scared me more than the pain is the paralysing fear of the unknown. I am trembling but I am ready to change. I am changing. I close my eyes and feel myself moving forward, stepping into the darkness of the unknown worlds. I am petrified but I am here. There is a raging panic and vulnerability that shakes me to my core, but I keeping walking.
Step.... by step..... by step
I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I have been uninspired for such a long time, unhappy with where I am at, But I hold on to the past with rigid fear that I prevented myself from been able to change. I feel my fingers slowly realising their grip, shedding hot burning tears and I watch the years fall from me like tissues in the wind. I am not my past, I am not my future. My failures and achievements will never define me. I am ready for the adventure that life is. I am ready to feel excited by the unknown. I am excited by the little bud of hope that is breaking the surface within me. The beginning of new life that fear, the past and my need to be the victim that have repressed for so long.
And now, I open my eyes. I can see; see the habits I fall into because I am afraid to actually feel something new. The feeding of emotions with food, trying the dull the anxiety that I might fail at everything because... just because. And with these open eyes I take those set forward, repair what needs to be repaired, uncover the wealth of emotion that I have forbidden myself to feel, throwing dusting sheets off a heart I put into storage years ago. Dropping the masks, the acts, the preprogrammed dances I performed to show the world what I think they want to see. So they will accept me. With my heart bursting forth from my chest in heaving beats and life's pumps through it once more, I let "them" go. I accept myself. I accept that I am a mystery to myself and what I find in this new life may scare me. But I am excited by the fact that I might actually like what I find. Might actually already be all the things I have always wanted to be. I might believe in myself
Oh fear, oh beauteous fear
I loved you;
I loathed you;
My heart I had bestowed to
New eyes in which to see
The life that was bereft of me
I have feel the depth of your sorrow
I was the bitter sting;
the cold wind
That swept through your shadow
I am naked
Shivering
But I can suckle at your teet no more
Birthing hope-
Undulating joy by chance elope
Fly forth;
An open envelope...
Past spewed forth now fades
Dulled by the light of new days
Shimmers in the distance
It is infancy; pure
A beacon in which my soul will burn
And through the fire reborn
Like Hope I shall rise:
I am rising; I am risen
Unto myself I am forgiven
Unprise my fingers
Fear once choked, now choked no more
Time once stalled
Ticks on with quiet persistence
Stride forward with courageous resistance
I am not the shadow
I am the light
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
So what was the idea of this again?
After a month or two on soul searching and some whinging to boot, I watched Julie and Julia again and realised the whole reason why I started this blog- To to the things I always wanted to do, within sometype of time frame and get my shit togethre generally. And of course to meet Richard Branson. How easily one can lose focus....
Well I am happy to report that I am finally hip hopping my stuff all over the Mad Dance Studio every Saturday and I am loving it to bits! I have started writing THE book and I have been blogging my poerty as a precursor to publication (me hopes). I have also gotten off my butt and started cold calling law firms in the search of THE perfect job. So in lieu of the bitching and moaning I have been doing in the past (which was benefical as I am getting to know myself very well in the absence of alcohol and if I keep it all to myself I would most definately explode) I am back into the swing of things and living the life less ordinary.
I'll be back- Until then, keep out of trouble
Well I am happy to report that I am finally hip hopping my stuff all over the Mad Dance Studio every Saturday and I am loving it to bits! I have started writing THE book and I have been blogging my poerty as a precursor to publication (me hopes). I have also gotten off my butt and started cold calling law firms in the search of THE perfect job. So in lieu of the bitching and moaning I have been doing in the past (which was benefical as I am getting to know myself very well in the absence of alcohol and if I keep it all to myself I would most definately explode) I am back into the swing of things and living the life less ordinary.
I'll be back- Until then, keep out of trouble
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Documentarian goes native
I had a dream... last night, where I was conscious that I was dreaming but it was like I was dreaming it and writing about it at the same time. The prose was better than anything that I have written so far in waking life, probably because I wasn't criticising myself as I wrote. It just let it flow, felt the moment; the emotion; the passion for all things- good ol' plain gusto for privilege of life. Yet I awake again foggy headed and like I am living under a cloud of allergens. What the?
I have come to realise I have reached Stage 7 (is that the number we are up to?) Realisations. Life is becoming clearer for me, the mental and emotional blockades are being revealed to me and I stand before them thinking "Wow, I don't need you anymore". Here are some of the realisations that have cropped up
1. I spent too much time in my head.
The answers to life's questions are simple- really; I shit you not. I just spend that much time in my head documenting and analysing that I come up with very lucid, rational and well thought out explanations for why things are they way they are. Then after all that thinking, rethinking, editing of thoughts and preparation of final submissions, the universe lands me with the cold facts- This is how it is, it is simple, obvious and in your face and you would have seen it if you weren't hiding inside your head. So universe I get the picture- stop spending so much time in my head and look around, spend more time with others and give them the benefit of the doubt. Just because experience has given you a few bad eggs, doesn't mean that everyone you meet has an agenda, or that they are going to let you down in some way or (the biggest fear) break your heart. You are what you think, attract what you think and live the manifestation of your thoughts. See again, simple answer. If it all comes down to thought, change them if they aren't delivering what you really want.
Of course, a small disclaimer. The excavations I have been doing in my psyche have been beneficial and I have been able to learn a lot more about myself. But the key is balance. Balance what you think, what you eat, how you treat people, the world, yourself. It all comes down to balance. And from balance comes harmony and then we are all happy campers.
2. I document life too much and fail to live it
Yes it is an oxymoron in actions a I write to you about writing about life rather than living it. But I see this now. So, without further ado, I will leave you to ponder while I get out there and address in myself what needs to be done, what need to be repaired and what needs to be celebrated through action.
Avior
I have come to realise I have reached Stage 7 (is that the number we are up to?) Realisations. Life is becoming clearer for me, the mental and emotional blockades are being revealed to me and I stand before them thinking "Wow, I don't need you anymore". Here are some of the realisations that have cropped up
1. I spent too much time in my head.
The answers to life's questions are simple- really; I shit you not. I just spend that much time in my head documenting and analysing that I come up with very lucid, rational and well thought out explanations for why things are they way they are. Then after all that thinking, rethinking, editing of thoughts and preparation of final submissions, the universe lands me with the cold facts- This is how it is, it is simple, obvious and in your face and you would have seen it if you weren't hiding inside your head. So universe I get the picture- stop spending so much time in my head and look around, spend more time with others and give them the benefit of the doubt. Just because experience has given you a few bad eggs, doesn't mean that everyone you meet has an agenda, or that they are going to let you down in some way or (the biggest fear) break your heart. You are what you think, attract what you think and live the manifestation of your thoughts. See again, simple answer. If it all comes down to thought, change them if they aren't delivering what you really want.
Of course, a small disclaimer. The excavations I have been doing in my psyche have been beneficial and I have been able to learn a lot more about myself. But the key is balance. Balance what you think, what you eat, how you treat people, the world, yourself. It all comes down to balance. And from balance comes harmony and then we are all happy campers.
2. I document life too much and fail to live it
Yes it is an oxymoron in actions a I write to you about writing about life rather than living it. But I see this now. So, without further ado, I will leave you to ponder while I get out there and address in myself what needs to be done, what need to be repaired and what needs to be celebrated through action.
Avior
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Ending the Punishment
I have been amazed at the vareity of ways that I punish myself. I create money situations so that I feel bad, I am in a job that I am not satisfied in because it makes me feel bad. I even stop myself going from the toilet, telling myself whatever I am doing MUST be finished first when really it can wait. It's like I think I am a naughty little girl and I must be punished. It will do me good, show me some discipline. Well self, here is so news: you are WRONG!!!!!
All it does is makes me feel meek and invalidated and I don't deserve that, I feel sick in the pit of my stomach even addressing this but it has been going on for too long. Just this morning I stressed myself out so bad about getting a new pair of shoes because they broke on the walk into the city. "You can't afford that, those pair are too expensive even if you do like them, you have to go to generic stores because face it, you're generic." I ended up buying cotton wool and bandaids from the reject shop. If that is not screaming "victim" I am not sure what is
I have been saying that I need a new pair of flats and the universe gave me a reason because I don't allow myself much so it has to force situations where I can do what I want without feeling guilty to my inner drill sergent. Yes you, I'm calling you out, I know who you are and I am a adult for christ sake and if I want and need a new pair of shoes I am going to get them so go f*** yourself. Yes you heard me (And all of you are reading me having a moment talking to myself, but sometimes it has to be done)I am taking control right now and you can't bully me anymore. So nah ne nah ne nah nah go find someone else to bother because I am taking control of myself and I am not feeling guilty anymore about being alive.
I am valid, I am worthy and I am kicking arse today just you watch xoxox I WILL NO LONGER PUNISH MYSELF AND I REALISE THE NEED TO DO SO
All it does is makes me feel meek and invalidated and I don't deserve that, I feel sick in the pit of my stomach even addressing this but it has been going on for too long. Just this morning I stressed myself out so bad about getting a new pair of shoes because they broke on the walk into the city. "You can't afford that, those pair are too expensive even if you do like them, you have to go to generic stores because face it, you're generic." I ended up buying cotton wool and bandaids from the reject shop. If that is not screaming "victim" I am not sure what is
I have been saying that I need a new pair of flats and the universe gave me a reason because I don't allow myself much so it has to force situations where I can do what I want without feeling guilty to my inner drill sergent. Yes you, I'm calling you out, I know who you are and I am a adult for christ sake and if I want and need a new pair of shoes I am going to get them so go f*** yourself. Yes you heard me (And all of you are reading me having a moment talking to myself, but sometimes it has to be done)I am taking control right now and you can't bully me anymore. So nah ne nah ne nah nah go find someone else to bother because I am taking control of myself and I am not feeling guilty anymore about being alive.
I am valid, I am worthy and I am kicking arse today just you watch xoxox I WILL NO LONGER PUNISH MYSELF AND I REALISE THE NEED TO DO SO
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