Reboot and Re-evaluation

Wow, it has been a long time since I first started this blog and an expendentially long "year" stalking Mr Branson. Along the way it has gone off track a bit from its original designs but was necessary to help clean up some of the negativity in my mind and learning a place to be honest and kind to myself and listen to the wisdom that I myself can teach. But it is now 2013 and I will be turning 30. My chest just tightened thinking about it. My want for change is (not consciously) in response to turning thirty or some mid life crisis. I have sifted through most of the emotional hurt now and come to a place that I am ready to try to make the changes and be the person that I want to be. My problem has been lack of discipline and an additive personality; That and a perchant for emotional eating since I can remember. There are many things that I can blame for the problems that I have - media and movies showing me from a young age that the way to deal with hurt and stress is through excessive alcohol consumption and eatng crappy food etc. But that is the problem - blaming everything else for my problems. I didn't have to listen, I could have chosen a different path - no-one put a gun to my head and said "do it". I made all of those choices myself. Deep inside I have always wanted to be one of those "healthy people" - you know those ones that eat super healthy, exercise, are free from additions such as over-eating, smoking and alocholism. But this desire was never really accompanied by a desire to do something about it. Just facing the immediate withdraws and general awfulness that comes from removing the fuel of your dependance has also stopped me from making a change. But the negative self talk remains which is most likely the toxic side effects from my life. I drink alcohol regularly. I smoke everyday. And when times are tough, or boring or just passing, there I am shoving food into my mouth. Sometimes it is better to feel full than to feel the depth of eomtional pain that we stuff down inside of us; to deal with the stress that comes with our daily lives; to be present not matter what that is. That's the same with the alcohol and the smoking - all of it is an escapist route to stop myself from drawing the bucket up from the well and seeing just exactly is inside me and what needs to go. Before I started writing this just before I didn't really that I still had some much pain. I know that I have much self loathing and such a hard attitude with myself that causes the poisious cycle to continue. I have been in denial and realising that is almost bringing me to tears. But this is not the reason that I write today, though I have discovered that this will be my champion to change. I write because I have got so off track and so far from the dreams and aspiriations that I held for myself. When I first started this blog I had gone through a devasting breakup and had come through the other side. God had ripped me up from the roots from absolute toxicity - from heavy drinking, taking drugs and eating extremely poorly. God broke everything in my life, took a torch and burnt it to the ground and said "if you are not going to help yourself then I will but everything has to go." I felt like I was left with nothing and I was a shell of a human being. I didn't see the lesson at the time or nor did I even have a relationship with God at that time to known it. Over time, I got better - I stopped abusing alcohol and drugs. I ate better and exercised more. I started to feel a lot better about myself but still the negative self talk and insecurities remained. So for the last however many years from that time I had to work on clearing some out those emotional issues. I have had some modest success in that regard. But the drinking came back, not as bad but it slowly filtered back in; same with the emotional eating which again started a cycle for loathing and eating. Luckily the drugs stayed out of my life but the core of my problems remained - commitment to change. As with the last few years, this story has gone a little bit of topic. The stage has been set for the reasons that I want and need to change. I am lazy, there is no denying it. I have been lacking discipline and determination and have not achieved many of the targets and ambitions that I originally set myself. I lied to myself and my family and friends about my efforts and became a closet addict to the things that had brought me down to my "collapse" in the first place. And where has it all left me? It has been 5 years and there have been changes and I have achieved many things. But the inherent problems have been masked by my ignorance and unwillingness to make a genuine effort to change still remain. I suffer bouts of depression regularly, my mental state and lifestyle make it difficult to manage stress which is a daily part of my life with the profession that I choose to pursue. And writing this makes it seems so damn crazy that I have failed to make the steps in myself to make me happy and be able to not only cope but excel with the ventures that I undertake. Don't get my wrong I am not unhappy - far from it. I am thankful for all the good and great things in my life. By from a personal, internal view, I wouldn't call myself happy with myself. So long story short. I need and want to make a change. I am scared and worried that I will fail but the only person that is stopping me from being who i want to be is me. So 2013 will see me re-evaluting my priorities, the choices that I make and what I want to achieve (I mean really going Blonde? In the greater scheme of things what will that really achieve?!?! What greater purpose for my self esteem will that do?) The changes that I am hoping to and will stay committed to achieve are 1. Complete reboot of diet and lifestyle - I recently watched fat,sick and nearly dead and realise the monumental impact that I can have by changing my diet. So this means pretty much living on fruits, vegetables and nuts (Micronutrients) and working towards removing the inflammatory and harmful habits from my life - drinking and smoking. 2. Prioritising my life and setting meaningful goals for myself that I have always wanted to achieve by have found excuses sot to achieve them - singing, dancing, surfing, writing etc 3. Making the effort to spend more time whth the people that I love rather than sitting on my arse in front of the TV. So what if it is a 2 hour drive to see my best friend? it is time to get off my arse and share my life with all of the people that matter because how know how long that I have to do this. So what is needed is not only balance and determination but kindness with myself and experimentation(and documentation) to find what will work for me and my circumstances. I am going to put myself out there, make myself accountable for the changes that I want to achieve and document the process that I can learn and make a meaningful and permanent change and be the person that I know I can be. I was only just saying to my best friend the other day about her need to change her life and reservations that she had. I said to her (words to the effect of) "Honey I don't mean to sounds harsh but you need to "man up" take charge and just do it. I have stood back for months as you have talked around the issues and procastinated about making a change. And all it has done hs made you sick and unhappy. It's time to take a teaspoon for cement and harden up. It is going to make you feel shit, it is going to be hard and confrontational but you are getting it over with in one concentrated dose and then you will be free. Its like a band aid, just rip it off - its going to hurt like hell and mess with your head for a bit but then it is over. After that you don't have to deal witht the lying and the guilt. Honesty is the way and doing it now will stop you from losing it and being forced into a position of change" I think that it is time that I stopped giving advice and started taking it. Wish me luck

The Magic Ring

So it is officially one week two days since I took the plunge and got married. Admittedly I thought things were going to be different. Not different as in "bad" but different as in the world is coming to an end and I have lost my identity. But surprisingly it's not the case at all. If anything I'm probably more myself now that I've ever been. What's more I'm giggling, smiling and shagging like it's nobody's business. The one thing that I've noticed the most is that I'm happy. I haven't lost any part of myself; I feel more free now then when I was when I was single. That's what I find funny. I was always scared of making a lifelong commitment to somebody else. But there is something so liberating about true and unconditional love. It can shelter to you from the harshness of this world; A love that can give you a platform to speak and the love That shines a light on the very unique and special gem that you are. I didn't realize until the feeling was gone that before I was married had a sense of bitterness and resentment nestled inside me. I felt that in relationships I was trying to be contained, molded and shaped to fit someone else's expectations. But I know now that it was just another wall to keep people out, to try and protect myself from some unknown terror ; a way to habour the hurts and the pains of the past and murmur softly to myself that I was the victim. I take responsibility for myself now and with the love of a good man I will allow myself the courage to fight for what I want; to allow myself more than a few glimpses of happiness and to forgive and forget.

It's all the same thing, isn't it?

I've been thinking a lot recently about the "Celestine Prophecy" and "following my feet". I have also been thinking a lot about my relationship with God. What links these text and relationship with God together I think is faith. The "Celestine Prophecy" tells us to see the signs and the power and divinity of synchronicity. "The Secret" tells us about positive thinking and the act of willing our desires into existence persistent thought. Positive thinking is definitely important and it is constant battle to ensure that we let the positive rather on the negative side win out; But it still comes down to faith. I mean think about it - positivity comes from faith and faith is essentially the absence of fear. Therefore negativity is the opposite of faith because it is based solely in fear. Of Course it is definitely important to have conscious direction as to what we want our lives. It is to faith helps us to trust & to see the opportunities in our lives. Faith allows us to have the ability to open our eyes to our lives and not to barage ourselves with the incessant questions of "what if... (insert negative thought here)?" But faith in itself, for want of a better phrase, is a constant battle. It's not something that necessarily comes easy to all of us and I know myself it is something that I find difficult to maintain. The reason why faith is so important because without faith these tools of the conscious mind maybe lead askew. I mean there's no benefit to "following the signs" if you're living in constant anxiety as to whether you are following the right signs or what will happen if you don't follow a sign... The anxiety of what if It sounds totally naff but I am starting to see that with faith comes love and acceptance of not only the world around you and the people in it but of yourself; That is the most difficult thing that I've been Trying to master over the 29 years of my life thus far So as I follow my feet and critically analyse and accept the things that happened and come into my life I know that is God that brings this to me. I know that it is God that will shine a light in times of darkness and will provide the guidance if I cannot trust my instincts to know what is the right direction to take.

Teenage Angst approaching 30?

It is a horrible feeling when you wake up in the morning and realize that you live in a constant state of angst and loathing. I mean it took three changes of clothes, the brightest pink eye shadow I could find and overcoming a moment of depressed despair "you can't pull this off (i.e.: you're fat) and you know it" to be to a place of approval of myself. Deep breath in, split second appreciation and *sigh* now back to address everything else that I loath about myself.

Honestly a former version of me is disgusted with myself (which is probably just another projection of guilt and loathing) "You were never like this; well you got past this anyway. You stopped talking to yourself like this, stopped abusing your body..."

Sorry to interrupt the diatribe but I just had news flash of truth - "you were drinking when you were happy". Funny shit - who would have thought that when I wasn't drinking alcohol, was eating healthy food and vigorously exercising daily that it made a difference to my mental state.

But truly, sarcasim and negativity aside, healthy body = healthy mind. It sounds uncool to say it but it is true. Damn. The simple truths (which will lead to what I ultimately desire) seems to warrant the most monumental amount of change. Now on to do something about it.

And who said writing never set you free - thank you Lord for the medium and revelations. Moreover thank you for the gift of insight that comes with acknowledging yourself in whatever form it is and being able to accept the honesty that you heart is willing to give when you are willing to listen.

Something in discipline

There is something in discipline... and prayer - two things I never saw myself subscribing to when I was 18 (or even 25). But there is. It is like the 5 year old's realisation that "I shouldn't touch that hot plate because it will burn me". It is just a plain simple truth that no matter how much you protest or try and resist it, it doesn't matter because truth is truth. Unlike people, truth doesn't care if it is accepted; but just like accepting that fire = hot, accepting the truth that discipline and prayer have a place in our lives makes living a whole lot easier.

That small acceptance has been creeping up on me for the last few months. And I have been resisting that truth moment of realization so that real change didn't have to occur. I mean, honestly God didn't create us who in turn created Beer if it wasn't meant to be part of a balanced weight loss regime? And the same for potato chips, chocolate and (my favourite) cheese. (honestly if there was a way to cut out the middle man and inject cheese straight into my veins, I would strongly consider it).

But alas the simple truth dawned when I was minding my own business, walking to the train "To lose weight you need to exercise... a lot; to maintain the way you want to look, you need to exercise... a lot (oh wait it gets better); sitting on my arse drinking cheese and eating Beer (you heard me) will undo the "a lot of exercise" and will give me an opposite outcome to what I want; and (the grand finale) it is the reason I got to to need for a lot of exercise followed by another serving of exercise.

Damn

After that truth had punched me in my soft and somewhat flabby underbelly, there came the small little truths doing damage control " You know you feel better physically and emotionally when you live this way" "it for your own good" "the results you want ARE achievable"... and so on.

And then after feeling a little sorry for myself and mourning the loss of my close friend cheese, another truth came up and gently tapped me on the shoulder "You don't have to do this alone". The power of prayer, the humility to just ask for help can and will do amazing things.

Amen to that.

The same again thanks

So here it is again, a period of sobriety. There is no philantropic reasons or humanitarian health message. It is purely simple. I want to lose weight.

Argh - I hate that sentenance. Maybe it is better to say that I want be healthier, fitter, stronger... all of which is true. But those thoughts do no go through my mind when I jump on the scales.

So it's simple - I go to the gym at lest 5 days a weeks, up to 2 - 2 1/2 hours per day (thanks max ;) ) I drink heaps of water, I eat healthy... but the weight is not shifting. Sure it sways up and down 2 kgs but it is not moving.

My powers of deduction tell me it is the one thing that in all honesty I would prefer it wasn't - alcohol. My bedfellow for many a year, it is time to kick you out of bed... for a little while at least.

Alcohol = empty calories. Hang over = hunger for Sh!t food, less motivation for exercise and generally kick starts the cycle of self loathing on Monday morning where alcohol's kiss lingers still but the scales let me know with no uncertainty that it is not the only thing that lingers. Damn.

So I am tying a modest period of sobriety 28 February 2012 - 28 April 2012 until My Birthday. So this is day 1. I will spare you the down to the minute commentary but I will see you on the other side, hopefully a little lighter :)

Almost Self Pity

I can tell you right now that this blog was going to be a whole lot different. There was going to be a strong flavour of self loathing, a hint of dismay and hopelessness with overtones of both disgust and dismay.

Funny how talking to someone, even as uncomfortable and almost stingily painful it can feel, can change everything. Even the tone of a simple story such as this.

Forever I have been trying to lost weight, probably since I was 15. On one occasion I was extremely successful and lost 20kg. I didn't know at the time that it was a grief stricken response to the events at my life. But even when I got to 58 kg (and with my work colleagues and family worried) I was still finding fault. I still wasn't perfect.

So this morning, like many before it, I woke in dismay. I hated my body. I hated my self sabotaging ways that destroy my efforts. I hated my lack of discipline. (Editors note: that passage was actually written in the present tense, but it was changed as I know that an attitude like that is not going to help me one iota).

There were some simply truths lurking beneath that self-pity but it took a short but painful talk with Liam for them to come to the surface. They were not conclusions that we had come to together. They were small, simple, clear thoughts that were able to come through after I dumped a little of the baggage that I carry.

Things in life appear rarely simple but in every sense in they are simple. And some of the most simple concepts turned out to be a bit more complicated that first thought. But in the end they are simple - it is changing ourselves that is the complicated part.

So simply, I have never really committed to the cause. By George, I have lusted for it, wept about it, obsessed and dreamed about it. But I have never made the commitment to make it happen. Problem number one.

Which flows like a river into problem number 2 - no commitment makes discipline very difficult. Exercise and healthy eating is the most simple and effective way to maintain health and fitness - and remove excess weight. But it requires determination to overcoming the programming in our heads that a healthy lifestyle is hard. Problem number 2.

And this flows onto emotional responses of pity, self loathing, despair, anger etc - all self serving but self defeating emotions because results are not as forthcoming as I outright demand they be (another perception issue that is not helping the cause). And with those emotions, for me, come self defeating conduct like emotional eating and drinking - the anti-christ of weight loss.

And so the cycle continues...

But the most shiny outcome of my discussion with Liam was that I need some help; and acknowledging that there is nothing wrong in seek help out. Discipline, motivation and commitment are bolstered by encouragement.

So like Richard Branson said "Screw it, just do it".