I can tell you right now that this blog was going to be a whole lot different. There was going to be a strong flavour of self loathing, a hint of dismay and hopelessness with overtones of both disgust and dismay.
Funny how talking to someone, even as uncomfortable and almost stingily painful it can feel, can change everything. Even the tone of a simple story such as this.
Forever I have been trying to lost weight, probably since I was 15. On one occasion I was extremely successful and lost 20kg. I didn't know at the time that it was a grief stricken response to the events at my life. But even when I got to 58 kg (and with my work colleagues and family worried) I was still finding fault. I still wasn't perfect.
So this morning, like many before it, I woke in dismay. I hated my body. I hated my self sabotaging ways that destroy my efforts. I hated my lack of discipline. (Editors note: that passage was actually written in the present tense, but it was changed as I know that an attitude like that is not going to help me one iota).
There were some simply truths lurking beneath that self-pity but it took a short but painful talk with Liam for them to come to the surface. They were not conclusions that we had come to together. They were small, simple, clear thoughts that were able to come through after I dumped a little of the baggage that I carry.
Things in life appear rarely simple but in every sense in they are simple. And some of the most simple concepts turned out to be a bit more complicated that first thought. But in the end they are simple - it is changing ourselves that is the complicated part.
So simply, I have never really committed to the cause. By George, I have lusted for it, wept about it, obsessed and dreamed about it. But I have never made the commitment to make it happen. Problem number one.
Which flows like a river into problem number 2 - no commitment makes discipline very difficult. Exercise and healthy eating is the most simple and effective way to maintain health and fitness - and remove excess weight. But it requires determination to overcoming the programming in our heads that a healthy lifestyle is hard. Problem number 2.
And this flows onto emotional responses of pity, self loathing, despair, anger etc - all self serving but self defeating emotions because results are not as forthcoming as I outright demand they be (another perception issue that is not helping the cause). And with those emotions, for me, come self defeating conduct like emotional eating and drinking - the anti-christ of weight loss.
And so the cycle continues...
But the most shiny outcome of my discussion with Liam was that I need some help; and acknowledging that there is nothing wrong in seek help out. Discipline, motivation and commitment are bolstered by encouragement.
So like Richard Branson said "Screw it, just do it".
