What is God? Well rather than trying to grapple with that question, let’s start with what is a relationship with God? I mean, from what I understand, he gets me, knows how I work and knows how to communicate with me, but how do I reciprocate all of this?
The question of God I am pretty comfortable with. I know that it was not pure whimsy and luck created, well everything that surrounds me, including my body. It's no coincidence that human were created and are fantastical, amazingly complex creations, the extent of which we do not understand ourselves - either on a collective level and , much less on a personal one.
It is no coincidence that where this fantastical creature has life it has all the trimmings to make that life possible – The Earth; a complex combination of elemental gases of exact and correct proportions that enable us to breathe; the seemingly effortless competition of forces that enable us to stand fixed to the ground yet allow our planet to spin on itself and make elliptical travel that enable not only light and day but the passing of time and years.
And oxygen. One can only marvel at the pure ingenuity of oxygen. Without we cannot have life; but with each breath, oxygen is our mortality. It causes age and the decomposition of cells yet we need it to live. We may die of a multitude of factors, many environmental and of our own making. But oxygen - like God I guess, is the beginning and the end. Also, if you increased the levels of oxygen in the atmosphere and struck a match we would be obliterated - also in the image of God's power - but that is another topic completely, and in the grand scheme of it all, really misses the point.
So - what is a relationship with God? My relationship with is always going to be different I would suppose and coming into my late twenties, it seems odd to be asking these questions now. But like I said to my father only on the weekend, when we had all taken a few mouthfuls of food before I realised that we had not said grace, "It is never too late".
I'd like to say that I am extremely different and that this is why my connection with God, well mostly his Son, which is him at the same time... (you can see I am still somewhat confused how it all works and that I am comfortable and uncomfortable with him all at the same time) the truth is that I am no different from anyone else in that we all face challenges both physical, theological and emotional on this journey. What makes me different is my story.
I am the child of mixed cultural and religious background, both parents of which have lost faith in organised religion however remain true to the spiritual nature of this life. My mother is a Catholic and my father a Methodist. With their secured faith in something greater and disenchantment with "religion" I was baptised at the Wayside Chapel in King Cross, Sydney, and home of the Late, great and honourable Ted Knofts as a “Child of all religions.”
By way of background, the Wayside Chapel and the love of "Father Ted" was an issue of public divide when his church became the first church used as a "shoot up chapel" - a meth clinic or sort I believe for rehabilitating drug users. Ted had a lot of love and there was a lot of need, especially in King Cross, so these merged in Ted’s efforts to save lost souls. So this was the birth place of my religious journey - I guess as unique as I am. On reflection on my character, my mother, father and God knew better than to force God upon me when I would be better finding it all out for myself.
In primary school, we had religious education which went for approximately 1 hour once a week. I don't believe that you had to go but it was better than spending an hour by yourself. And being the inquisitive and somewhat bold (Bold by name, bold by nature) little creature that I am, I had some questions that had puzzled me in the whole Creation tale and thought this was the best place to have these answered. WRONG. So very, very wrong I was.
I was 5, maybe 6 years old when I attended a Combined Christian class which was run but an old woman whom I liken to the flying nun without the hat and not nearly as fun. She was telling us about God and the creation of the world and I had a few questions. The last question I came to ask, without malice of the intent to start an uprising of all the 5 year olds in the room against religious education was "So if God made everything, who made God?" I thought this was a valid question considering the magnitude of everything that I was trying to digested.
Instead the unfun flying nun flew into a fevered yet controlled rage where she cried "You insolent child! Go outside!" So sitting outside, swinging my little legs beneath the bench as they weren't even long enough to touch the ground, I remember thinking "This sucks, I am not going back to that anytime soon" and waited for the bell to ring to release my from my punishment go back into my classroom.
Next religious education lesson, I went to the Catholic class for reasons I would assume as obvious. And I loved it there. We would colour in and play games and if there were stories about Jesus and God, which I am sure there were, I don't really remember them being told. We were certainly never sat down, told to pay strict attention while verses of the Bible were read. And maybe this was because, with all of my 5 years of age and boldness, I addressed my Catholic teacher when I first arrived and stated that I am not anything, I am not a catholic, I am here to find out more information. In turn she showed me a calm and gentle passage through the beginning of my religious investigations with firm respect. I remember that she would say at the end of every class "goodbye my little Catholics, except for Tahnee who isn't sure yet" with a big warm smile. She was probably one of the best introductions to God I have probably encountered now I think about it.
But Catholicism was never to stick, as my mother had fierce suspicion and distrust for Catholics, despite being one. She had some terrible experiences during her youth and lost faith in the church. I too developed mistrust for religions built on the foundations of Christ as I grew older, especially considering the atrocities that had been done in his name. Also, baptised in as a child of all religions, I felt it was birth right and destiny to seek out all different religions rather confirm to belief that seemed stifling and contrived because it was the dominant faith of my peers.
So I had forays in a world of different religions - Paganism, Buddhism, Hinduism, the greater teachings of Yoga and the like. I read some of the Bile and a tiny section of the Koran, but in reading these texts I had fairly fierce prejudice, but I guess a young mind influenced popular culture can do that. I always found something, but never something complete. I was happy to take what I could piece by piece and form a sort of collective personal ideology. But in saying this, I also when through a significant period of self loathing and harm for which there was little light at the time to see any truth.
And over time, and over adversity and through a number of profound parables that were secular in design so not as to alert my inner workings to the writer’s possible desire to “convert me to their religion.” I grew. A lot.
When I grew the most was when everything I knew was taken away from when. I felt like I had been stripped down to my bones and everything that I had known, taken comfort in and had been the spectacles in which I viewed my future was torn from me in an instant. I mourned, I hallowed with grief for an answer, I fought, I sedated myself, and I punished myself, I tried everything. With the love of my parents and their firm but guiding hands, I made it through.
In the first stage of recovery when immense and searing pain had past and the desolate numbness of self had faded, I knew that God had taken all these things from me because they were killing me. Everything last thing that I had lost was killing my spirit, the dreams, ambition, self worth, everything, and yet I was unrelenting in my commitment to it. After 5 years, God said “No” and in dramatic fashion cast me down to the pits of despair so that the real making of Tahnee could begin.
Of course, the years that followed were a battle and I fought through to achieve the dreams that I had wanted. Of course, I faltered and slipped back into easy but destructive behaviours because I was sick of the road being so hard. I continue to keep pushing on and I enjoy a plentiful and bountiful life full of love. But like everyone else, I still get sometimes get sick of the endless challenges to be faced and forget to see the beauty. The beauty of the world; the beauty that I am lucky to have in my life; and the humility to accept with honour that I am faced with these challenges because it is believed that I have the ability to overcome each and every one.
After a long journey down many varied and often conflicting paths I know that my calling is love. Again, love by name and love by nature. I feel the best when I am giving love. I don't really feel anything I guess, kind of warm, but it’s the absence of feelings that I recognise. No fear, no loathing, no need for self punishing, doubt - all the range of negative emotions. When I love they are not there, I just feel, well right. I have completely changed as a person, for the better, and my life has been amazing for the change.
So, now here I am again, in the same position as the 5 year old, swinging her legs to and fro waiting to be let back in, asking "What is a relationship with God?” I know that it will be different because my journey has been different. I know that I cannot accept blindly what others may be able to. But my first breakthrough I guess is that I no longer feel bad about that.
A relationship with God, like a relationship with anything else, must grow. It grows on terms that each are comfortable with and those terms and boundaries will change over time as the relationship dictates. It is not dependent on how others interact in their relationship with the same person, because not only are the dynamics of each person and each story different, the dynamics of the union of both in a relationship is also different. And most likely through our talks and walks through our world together, I will get to know his Son and have faith of heart above faith that can be secured with intelligent thought, argument and discussion. But I am not pushing anything and I am not in a rush. I figure the first step is to say
“Hey God, do you just want to talk sometime - you and me? I was wondering if I could touch base with you more often, you know shoot the breeze, talk about how the little things... and sometimes the big things... Oh, and if you can help Liam find his car or another option regarding that I would really appreciate it. Sounds good, talk soon"
