The blog has been an outpouring of my soul and the opportunity to be honest with myself. I was about to apologise to anyone that reads this (i.e. Charity) but I have to stop apologising for myself and how I feel. This is growth and how I feel is validate. Do I want to feel better? Of course I do. Do i feel somewhat soul destroyed at the moment? Yes I do. And is that feeling valid? for the first time I can give myself a big mental hug and say yes, yes it is.
I have spent a long time lying to myself. About who I am, what I feel and what I want to be. The honesty- I just want to be me and I don't know what that is yet. I am in the transition mode, wafting like smoke between what I was and who I will be, grasping at straws and constantly analysing myself trying to identify what and who exactly I am. But more to the point I have been processing my past and I realise that I have been carrying it around on on my back like an over stuffed duffel bag. I know it is important and I need to peel off all the band-aids that have kept me together and covered all the lessons I needed to learn. The band-aids that covered the aching pain I have willing held onto like a security blanket.
So like everyone else on this planet, I got screwed. I had my heart broken in spectacular fashion and I have covered and belittled it for so long. The pain I feel is valid, my need to hold on to it is not. What scared me more than the pain is the paralysing fear of the unknown. I am trembling but I am ready to change. I am changing. I close my eyes and feel myself moving forward, stepping into the darkness of the unknown worlds. I am petrified but I am here. There is a raging panic and vulnerability that shakes me to my core, but I keeping walking.
Step.... by step..... by step
I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I have been uninspired for such a long time, unhappy with where I am at, But I hold on to the past with rigid fear that I prevented myself from been able to change. I feel my fingers slowly realising their grip, shedding hot burning tears and I watch the years fall from me like tissues in the wind. I am not my past, I am not my future. My failures and achievements will never define me. I am ready for the adventure that life is. I am ready to feel excited by the unknown. I am excited by the little bud of hope that is breaking the surface within me. The beginning of new life that fear, the past and my need to be the victim that have repressed for so long.
And now, I open my eyes. I can see; see the habits I fall into because I am afraid to actually feel something new. The feeding of emotions with food, trying the dull the anxiety that I might fail at everything because... just because. And with these open eyes I take those set forward, repair what needs to be repaired, uncover the wealth of emotion that I have forbidden myself to feel, throwing dusting sheets off a heart I put into storage years ago. Dropping the masks, the acts, the preprogrammed dances I performed to show the world what I think they want to see. So they will accept me. With my heart bursting forth from my chest in heaving beats and life's pumps through it once more, I let "them" go. I accept myself. I accept that I am a mystery to myself and what I find in this new life may scare me. But I am excited by the fact that I might actually like what I find. Might actually already be all the things I have always wanted to be. I might believe in myself
Oh fear, oh beauteous fear
I loved you;
I loathed you;
My heart I had bestowed to
New eyes in which to see
The life that was bereft of me
I have feel the depth of your sorrow
I was the bitter sting;
the cold wind
That swept through your shadow
I am naked
Shivering
But I can suckle at your teet no more
Birthing hope-
Undulating joy by chance elope
Fly forth;
An open envelope...
Past spewed forth now fades
Dulled by the light of new days
Shimmers in the distance
It is infancy; pure
A beacon in which my soul will burn
And through the fire reborn
Like Hope I shall rise:
I am rising; I am risen
Unto myself I am forgiven
Unprise my fingers
Fear once choked, now choked no more
Time once stalled
Ticks on with quiet persistence
Stride forward with courageous resistance
I am not the shadow
I am the light
